skyfyre: Sumeragi Hokuto from X/1999, Smiling (What is this fuckery?)
skyfyre ([personal profile] skyfyre) wrote2010-05-20 05:40 pm

In which I use italics and the word "so" a lot.

So. "Spock's Brain". That happened.

First, though, I'm gonna bitch about cbs.com. See, last summer I was watching the first season of Star Trek off of the website. I stopped when I got the dvds. Now, I don't have the third season on DVD, so I went back to the website. They have completely redesigned it to be as annoying to navigate as possible. It's now got a video that plays automatically (the last episode of the series). Beneath the video is a box that shows four episodes. And by "four episodes", I mean "as many as four versions of one episode, but at least two versions of two episodes". The episodes in the box are the last two of the series. If you want to find a particular episode, you have to click through the 62 pages to find it. Last summer you could click between seasons, or, if you wished, view the most popular episodes. To find "Spock's Brain", I used the search feature on the site and I found four links for I assume the full video for the episode, but no indication as to what the differences between the four videos are (I understand one remastered and one as originally aired, but what about the other two?). And then there were the over 4000 other hits for Spock's Brain. So I look forward to changing visual quality throughout the third season as I click random links. I am also going to have to look up an episode list for the third season, because I don't know all the episode names off the top of my head and to hell like I'm clicking through Star Trek, four videos at a time, just to find what comes after Spock's Brain.

My point: I want the third season on DVD so bad omg.

Anyway. Spock's Brain. The Brain That Wouldn't Die. Pinky and the Brain. Re: Your Brains. Braaaaaaains.

Yes.

So.

This episode really started off well for the first minute or so. Red alert! Flashing alarms! Danger! Intrigue! I like this ship! It's exciting! Such a nice way to start the season. Then this strange woman comes aboard the bridge, and she's determined to ruin everything for me. She knocks everyone on the ship unconscious (boy, does Nurse Chapel take her time falling) and then starts fondling Spock's head.

Woman: Let's see... I'll take this brain to go! No need to wrap it up, I'll be wearing it out.

(I choose to believe that this is how she got Spock's brain off of the Enterprise. Because it amuses me.)

So everyone wakes up and Doctor McCoy gets to wake up to a dead Vulcan in his medbay, which definitely hadn't been there when he went to sleep. Probably. He's thinking he might have noticed.

So he calls Kirk down to sick bay and in the time it takes Kirk to get there, he has Spock stabilized, which I think speaks either to how fast McCoy works or how long it takes to get anywhere on the Enterprise. McCoy then gives Kirk the deal on what's up with Spock.

You see, when I first heard about this episode, I thought that when they say Spock's "brain", they meant, like, his mind. His thoughts and stuff, you know? I didn't think that when someone stole Spock's brain, they meant his literal brain. And that it was removed wholesale.

I was both horrified and amused to learn that I was wrong.

So, Spock currently has no brain, but Bones still managed to stabilize him. I missed the bit of hand waving that explained how that was possible. Mostly because I was too busy going "Really? Really?" at the screen.

McCoy: It's a medical miracle!
Me: I think you mean that it's a medical impossibility, Doctor, but whatever. Go on.

So, McCoy tells Kirk that they only have 24 hours to restore Spock's brain to his body. McCoy also tells us that it isn't actually possible to put a brain back into someone, but since Spock is alive without his brain anyway, it can't hurt to try.

I would like to point out that the 24 hours thing is actually a pretty arbitrary number and it depends on them knowing how long, exactly, they were out and when in that time Spock got disembrained*. Okay, later we find out that the strange woman only had three hours to get to the Enterprise, steal the brain, and get back, but Bones didn't know that.

Bones also tells us that Spock needs his brain to live.

Me: Because, Lord knows, none of the rest of you have a brain that you need for life. That'd just be silly.

So, they go flying across the galaxy to find Spock's Brain. None of them get how hilarious this situation is.

Guys, Spock has no brain. Come on. It's funny. And only faintly ridiculous.

They eventually reach a galaxy that has three possible planets she could have landed on. But none of them have the technological advancement that would have been required for her ship, let alone brain stealing! OH NOES. So they decide to go to the least advanced planet, based on a signal that Uhura picked up.

They beam down, Kirk, Scotty, Chekov, and two nameless red shirts. Within a few minutes the caveman like natives start throwing rocks at them. Really, they just wanted to tell Kirk that they could save him 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico. The cavemen are handily defeated with our superior technology** and are questioned, because of course they speak English. It turns out that they don't know what women are! There are the strange people who live underground. They give the cavemen pain and delight!

It's good to know that while they don't know what women are, they do know what S&M is.

So eventually Bones beams down with Spock, who doesn't get a uniform until he gets his brain back. This Spock also gets a nifty headpiece. This allows him to be remote controlled, complete with wind-up-toy sound effects! Doctor McCoy has the control for Spock at the moment and I'm willing to bet anything that he spent 10 minutes up on the Enterprise making Spock hit himself in the face.

McCoy: Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, Spock. Heh heh heh.

If questioned, he'll claim he was testing motor control.

Scotty, Kirk, Bones, and Spock's body head to the underground civilization while Chekov and the red shirts sit around a heated rock. I assume they make s'mores and tell ghost stories around the rock. The shot of them serves no purpose to the plot and just lets the audience know how unprofessional Chekov*** is. Really, I think this is just an example of the trope Chekov's Gun.

Meanwhile, back at the plot****, Our Heroes find a woman! But not the same one from the ship. She also has the mind of a child. She doesn't know who any of these people are and why they're yelling at her so she, quite rightly, panics. Then Spock's brain talks to them through their communicators. I'd say that that makes no sense, but Spock is currently walking around without a brain, so whatever.

Spock's brain: Captain, there are pleasant feelings associated with hearing your voice.
Me: Oh, show. No matter what else, you still provide the slash don't you? Bless.

The brain-stealing woman comes along and knocks them men out again. It is becoming her favorite pass time.

So the guys wake up with nifty new belts in front of the Council of Women. Kirk, with his usual diplomacy, demands to know where Spock's brain is. Scotty opines that, despite all the technology around them, these women couldn't possibly have engineering know how to steal Spock's brain. They might also imply that that woman couldn't possibly be in charge, because she's too simple.

Woman: BRAIN AND BRAIN. WHAT IS BRAIN?*****
Me: A QUESTION FOR THE AGES. ALSO, STOP PROVING THEM RIGHT.

A lot of arguing and some mild torture goes on. The women leave to look after their controller, which turns out to be Spock's brain. They leave some big hulking men from above ground that they control to look after the captives. Of course, Our Heroes again kick their asses. They take their shit back go off in search of Spock's brain, with the help of Spock's disembodied voice.

They find the controller and the brain stealing woman in charge. She has no clue what they're talking about! Who would steal a brain? She doesn't even know what a brain is! But she does know that without the controller, they'll all die! Woe!

We learn that she gains temporary knowledge from a very fancy hair dryer in the corner. It has spikes on it! It was through that that she learned how to get to Spock and steal his brain. But it will only work on a certain person (namely, her) and only at certain times. They test the theory and it turns out that she can use it then!

Convenient.

So the now intelligent women explains that Spock's brain will last 10,000 years and will handle things like water and air filtration and will basically be their computer core. Our Heroes demand that she return Spock's brain to his body and she refuses.

Kirk: But Spock will die without his brain!
Woman: Yeah, so? We'll die without it, too. Needs of the many and all that.
Kirk: I don't like you.
Woman: Don't worry, the feeling is mutual.

And then Bones comes up with a brilliant plan.

McCoy: Hey! Why don't I put on the shiny hat? It could give me all the necessary information to put Spock's brain back. It'll be awesome!
Kirk: Nope, that sounds stupid.
Spock: Agreed.
McCoy: Too bad. The hat is mine.

So Bones puts on the hat, like the idiot he is.

McCoy: I CAN SEE FOREVER.

Fortunately for him, it doesn't explode his human brains. He then starts putting Spock's brain back while Kirk explains to the woman that she and her people will have to move back up to the surface.

Woman: Dude. It's cold up there.
Kirk: You'll manage. Make the men a sandwich and maybe they'll share some fire.
Woman: How can I expect them to do anything without giving them pain first?
Kirk: Man, the next few weeks are going to be exciting for you.

Bones looses his knowledge of the surgery before he's actually finished with it, because he can't have nice things. It's okay, though, because Spock's mouth is hooked up properly now and he knows how to finish the surgery that no one in the universe knows how to do.

I imagine that this kills McCoy a little on the inside.

So Spock gets better and starts right off with explaining the schism here and on other planets between men and women. McCoy declares that he should never have let Spock start talking again. Everyone laughs while I want to gouge my eyes out over the sit-com-y ending.

Well, everyone laughs except the woman, who has just had her entire life irrevocably changed because Kirk can't let his boyfriend go. I guess she just can't see the humor of it.

So endeth the episode.



*Like disembodied. But with brains.
**Fuck you, Prime Directive! No one liked you anyway.
***No, I still don't like original!Chekov.
****Yeah, let's call it that.
*****God, I wish I made that line up.

[identity profile] rockerfaery.livejournal.com 2010-05-21 12:18 am (UTC)(link)
I'm going to watch this now. ^^ I totally hate you for distracting me from Japanese.

[identity profile] skyfyre.livejournal.com 2010-05-21 12:36 am (UTC)(link)
BWA HA HA HA HA.

[identity profile] blackmaryjanes.livejournal.com 2010-05-21 12:26 am (UTC)(link)
You know, you can watch them on the CBS official youtube page with much less confusion. They have it organized by season and everything.

[identity profile] skyfyre.livejournal.com 2010-05-21 12:35 am (UTC)(link)
I love you so much. You are my personal hero.

I maintain that cbs.com blows, though.

[identity profile] blackmaryjanes.livejournal.com 2010-05-21 12:38 am (UTC)(link)
I should be, by this point.

And yes, it is kind of made of fail.