skyfyre: Sumeragi Hokuto from X/1999, Smiling (Default)
skyfyre ([personal profile] skyfyre) wrote2010-05-29 06:25 pm
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The Paradise Syndrome

So I watched The Paradise Syndrome last night, at 11 pm after drinking a giant mug of coffee.

Because I make awesome life choices.

So let's see what I can remember of the episode.

We start of with the opening shot of the Discovery Channel's new show "Our Planet, Our Home". Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam down to the planet and the two humans immediately start talking about how awesome this planet is. There are pine trees! And the scent of honey suckle! Oh, man, this is so much like Earth! How likely is that? Not very likely, is the answer Spock gives us.

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one trying to forget Bread and Circuses.

They wander around a bit and they spy the locals. These look like Native Americans, or 60's Hollywood representations thereof. There is no way that this episode can be anything but awesome. These locals are in no way advanced enough to created the giant obelisk in the forest. This obelisk has strange symbols that Our Heroes can't read and had to have been made by some really advanced race.

So, apparently, there is an asteroid heading towards this planet and they need to deflect it away to save it. They also have something like 30 minutes to get to the place they have to deflect it from.

I'm trying to figure out why they felt the need to beam down to the planet. I mean, if they felt the need to explore the planet for their records or something, couldn't they have done it after they saved the planet from destruction? And I think there should be some sort of protocol of going off on your own during away missions, even seemingly benign ones. Of course, I also think that perhaps the Captain shouldn't go on the away missions, but whatever.

Captain Kirk, in defiance of all my wishes, goes wandering off on his own.

Obelisk: Yoink!

So Kirk goes tumbling down some hidden stairs and gets his mind zapped. Spock and McCoy look for him for a bit, but must eventually give up the search.

Spock: Doctor, we must go deflect the meteor
McCoy: But we still haven't found Jim! He could be hurt and dying!
Spock: We'll come right back.
McCoy: We'll be gone for hours! The meteor won't be here for months anyway!
Me: Why don't you guys just leave a search party down here to look for him while you guys go off to take care of the meteor?
Spock: Because of science, that's why.
Me: Whatever makes you guys happy, I guess.

So Spock and Bones beam away. Meanwhile, Kirk wakes up with no memories. He climbs out of the obelisk just in time for two of the natives to come up, bringing offerings to the obelisk.

Miramanee: You're not going to give us small pox, are you?
Kirk: .... No?

And that's how Captain Kirk became a god.

It turns out that Miramanee is the village priestess. She brings Kirk back to her father the chief.

Miramanee: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! I found a god in the forest! Can we keep him? Pleeeeeease?
Chief: Well...
Medicine Man whose name I don't remember: Dude, no way is he a god!
Kirk: *performs what I must assume is meant to be CPR on a drowned boy*
Drowned Boy: *lives*
Chief: Breathing life into the dead? Seems god like to me!
Miramanee: So we can keep him?
Chief: Yes, but you have to take care of him and house train him.
Miramanee: YAY!

So Kirk gets welcomed as a god and also gets to become the village's new Medicine Man, much to the chagrin of the old Medicine Man. On the Enterprise, McCoy feels a sudden chill and he's not sure why.

Former Medicine Man: Hey, Miramanee? Do you still like me, y/n?
Miramanee: Huh? I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome the god is.

So while Miramanee tries to figure out how to get Kirk out of his clothes,

Miramanee: Dude, where are the laces? YOUR SHIRT CONFUSES ME.

and Kirk whittles a gourd, because apparently he knows how to do that, The Enterprise speeds off to try and get to the meteor in time to deflect it.

McCoy: This is going to end in tears.
Me: Bones, I love you, but why are you on the bridge?

So they pretty much burn out the engines trying to get to the meteor. They try to deflect the meteor and fail. They try to destroy the meteor and fail.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the USS Enterprise one of the most technically advanced ships in the Federation, can't handle a meteor. Their warp drive is out and they have to limp back to the planet on impulse power just four hours ahead of the meteor. Scotty is down in engineering, crying his eyes out in mourning for his poor wee bairns. It's funny because he's Scottish

McCoy: GOOD JOB, SPOCK. YOU'VE SCREWED EVERYBODY OVER.

This is possible why Spock didn't want a command of his own.

So while life on the Enterprise is kinda sucking, Kirk's got a pretty sweet deal planet side.

Miramanee: Wanna get hitched tomorrow?
Kirk: Yes. Yes I do.

Really, the only downside of Kirk's life is the Former Medicine Man's desire to prove that Kirk is a false god. But, whatever, no one care about that.

WEEKS PASS.

So, there is a moment in the movie New Moon* where we see a glimpse of Edward and Bella in the future where Bella is vamped. The are running through the woods and laughing and In Love. Everything is bright and quite literally sparkly! That is Kirk's life now. He and Miramanee are so very happy! And they're gonna have kids! Woo!

It's gonna be hilarious when he life falls to shit.


Back on the Enterprise, Spock hasn't slept at all.

McCoy: Look, I'm sorry I said that everything was all your fault. I didn't mean it.
Spock: Can't talk. Working.
McCoy: About that. I'm ordering you to bed. You need rest.
Spock: *Goes to lie down in bed*
McCoy: Hey, you listened! Awesome!
Spock: *Gets right back up when Bones leaves*
Slashers: *rewrite the scene so that Bones makes Spock rest. Aw yeah.*

So eventually Bones goes back and isn't all that surprised to see Spock up. Spock is up and playing his lyre because he's solved the mystery of the Obelisk! It's the planets deflector shield that the Wise Ones set up when they deposited the natives there ages ago! The Wise Ones go around saving nearly destroyed cultures and depositing them on planets where they can survive and be healthy! And that's why humanity is all over the stupid universe!

Because that makes total sense!

So all the Enterprise has to do is fix the obelisk/deflector and everything will be fine! You know, assuming they can work the alien technology in their limited time frame.

On the planet, Kirk is explaining irrigation and meat preservation to Miramanee.

Miramanee: These things are awesome, just like the lamp you made!
Me: Umm, how did you know how to make the lamp? All the lights on board the Enterprise are artificial and I can't imagine that there was "Lamp Making 101" at the Academy.
Miramanee: I think you just made the lamp so that I could cook for you longer! Ha ha!
Me: Really, show? Really?

And then the wind and darkness comes. Kirk is now expected to do something god-like. He is expected to go to the Obelisk and stop the darkness and save everyone. Kirk tries, shouting his name (Kurock or something) to the heavens and pounding the obelisk. The Former Medicine Man has all the evidence of false godhood he needs and arranges an impromptu stoning.

Because impromptu stoning are the best kind of stonings.

During the stone throwing Miramanee decides to stand by her husband and gets stoned along with him. As they collapse, Bones and Spock beam down and the mob goes running off. From there, they start saving the day. Spock helps Kirk recall his memories though the use of a Vulcan mind probe.

Me: Eventually I'm going to rewatch this series and I'm gonna start keeping tallies. Number of women loved and lost/forgotten, number of times the Prime Directive was forgotten, number of redshirts dead, number of mind melds. It's gonna be awesome.

So Bones and Chapel start looking over Miramanee while Spock and Kirk open the obelisk by use of the communicator tone. They turn the deflector shield back on and the day is saved! Easy-peasy!

Except for poor Miramanee who apparently got really stoned. Apparently, despite Bones' vast medical expertise and all the medical technology available on the Enterprise, there is no way to save Miramanee. So she and Kirk exchange tearful good byes while she dies, all the while thinking she's going to be fine.

What I want to know is, why does she die when Kirk got stoned longer and received the brute force of it, even when she was up there too? The man doesn't even have a scratch on him!

Also, I don't think Kirk got around to explaining irrigation and preservation to the rest of the village. Fail god is full of fail.

All in all, this episode reminded me way to much of Bread and Circuses, what with the civilization that far to closely resembles Earth. And all the Spock/McCoy going around.

I, personally, look forward to Miramanee never being mentioned again. She and Kirk's brother Sam can hang out and be Kirk's forgotten trauma together. Perhaps they'll do it on Tarsus IV.

*Yes, I've seen New Moon. Don't judge me.

[identity profile] bmlg.livejournal.com 2010-05-30 01:07 am (UTC)(link)
I am confident that you only watched New Moon for the mocking.

[identity profile] skyfyre.livejournal.com 2010-05-30 02:14 am (UTC)(link)
Indeed! And what a mocking it was!

I mock Twilight so much that I saw both movies in theaters and have every intention of watching Eclipse when it comes out!

IT'S LIKE A TRAIN WRECK. I CAN'T STOP WATCHING.
(deleted comment)

[identity profile] skyfyre.livejournal.com 2010-05-30 02:20 am (UTC)(link)
You know, I wouldn't mind playing a Star Trek drinking game. Sadly, I lack people to play it with.

The shirt/boots thing is totally going on my "Things to keep track of" when I rewatch the series. Which is going to happen... eventually.

[identity profile] bogwitch64.livejournal.com 2010-05-30 03:40 am (UTC)(link)
Egads, I remember this episode too. You know, I never thought of it before, but any woman who falls in love with, or who is fallen in love with by Kirk is as doomed as a redshirt.

Again, your rendition was better, because it was full of awesome funniness and smarmy comments. I love you.

[identity profile] skyfyre.livejournal.com 2010-05-30 02:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Really, if it's a woman who isn't Uhura, Chapel, or (in the beginning) Rand, they are probably not going to have a good time during the episode. Even our named Heroines might have a crappy time if the camera is on them too long.

I'm glad that I'm being amusing!

[identity profile] bmlg.livejournal.com 2010-05-30 05:54 pm (UTC)(link)
I think being sexxorred by the Kirk is survivable. But love=death.
Reading you is so much better than re-watching the episodes. It makes me wish the original series hadn't been cancelled so quickly.