skyfyre: Sumeragi Hokuto from X/1999, Smiling (and then seduced his wife)
skyfyre ([personal profile] skyfyre) wrote2010-07-08 10:22 pm
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Anyway, so. Day of the Dove.

Captain Kirk, Bones, Chekov, and Nameless Redshirt are hanging out on a planet. There was a distress call and an entire colony is missing. What could have possibly caused this? I would say that perhaps the weird pink feather plants are to blame, but the strange light that the camera keeps going to is far more likely.

Before Our Heroes (And Chekov)* can properly investigate what's happened, the Enterprise detects the presence of a severely damaged Klingon Warbird. Five of the Klingons approach Our Heroes (and Chekov) and I guess Nameless Redshirt is just there to look pretty because he does nothing as the Klingons get all up in their business and the leader backhands Kirk to the ground. He seems pissed about something and for once Captain Kirk hasn't actually given a reason for him to be so. Kirk and the Klingon leader, Kang, have a nice discussion, mostly consisting of each of them accusing the other of murder and trying to start a war and having secret weapons. Chekov interupts, wanting to tear the Klingons apart. Apparently, they killed his brother long ago, and he wants revenge. So he throws himself at the Klingon leader, hoping to get a good hit in.

Kang: D'awww. Isn't he cute, trying to awesome like everyone else who has lines. You know what I bet he's good at? Screaming. Torture him, boys!
Klingon Underlings: *Torture him*
Chekov: *Screams*
Me: Hey, is that one of the agonizers from Mirror, Mirror? Man, that was a good episode.
Me: *cares not for Chekov's pain*

Apparently Bones does care about Chekov's pain, because he goes over to render aid. I only mention because when he tells the Klingons to back off, they do. He's Leonard H. McCoy and he's a Goddamn doctor, dammit.

McCoy: Bitches better recognize.

Anyway, Kang wants the Enterprise in retribution for his own destroyed ship. You would think that four versus five isn't that bad odds, and they would try to fight it out on the surface, but the redshirt is just window dressing, Chekov is ten different kinds of useless, and Bones is a lover, not a fighter (dammit). So it's really five versus one. Kirk doesn't like those odds as much. He likes trickery more. He agrees to take the Klingons up to the ship and won't try any tricks once they're on board.

Which leaves him free to have Spock and Scotty beam Our Heroes (and Chekov) up but leave the Klingons in midtransport until security arrives. Chekov wants to leave the Klingons suspended in nothing forever. Thankfully, no one cares what Chekov thinks and they finish the beaming process. While they're at it, they beam the rest of the Klingons over from their wounded ship. Kang's wife, Mara, worries that the Federation pigs will kill and torture them. Kirk tells her that no such thing will happen while ordering the destruction of the Warbird, so forgive her if she disbelieves.

So the Klingons are taken somewhere that is better than the brig, but still locks from the outside. Suddenly, the Enterprise starts accelerating to warp nine and heads fast towards the edge of space, despite the fact that no one wants her to do that. It is panic city for a while, especially since the bulk of the crew is just as suddenly trapped below decks with no way out. This leaves something like forty crew members free. That happens to be the number of Klingons on board.

Convenient, that.

So if there is an enemy of the federation to blame, then, gosh darn it, Captain Kirk is going to blame them. Understandably, the Klingons just sort of laugh at Kirk's misfortune, much as we all do.

Kirk: Oh, btw, I own you something.
Kirk: *punches a prisoner of war in the face*
Me: Bravo, sir. I can see why they put you in charge.
Swords: *starts popping up everywhere*
Klingons: Fuck, yeah!
Klingons: *start attacking*
Me: This, Captain Kirk, is what we call "Karma".

So now everyone is angry and armed. The sparkly light is still hanging around for non clear reason. now that there are swords all over the place, my immediate thought is that, hey, Sulu knows how to fence! He was swashing and buckling all the way back in the beginning of the first season! And reboot!Sulu can kick ass and take names like nobodies business!

For once, Captain Kirk actually listens to me. He tells Sulu to take this sword and go do what he does best, which Sulu agrees to do with enthusiasm. People laughed at him at the academy when he took fencing. He'll show those bastards.

At this point, Chekov realizes that he is in the scene, but has not yet made a damn fool of himself yet. Don't worry, though, he won't leave us hanging. He starts shouting and rambling about how he needs to avenge... idk, Peter is his name, maybe? Or the Russian equivalent of Peter, anyway. Kirk tells him to sit his ass back down at his station, but Chekov just waves his sword threateningly and runs off. That was him assaulting a superior officer and disobeying a direct order, if you're curious. Sulu is kind of confused by all this.

Sulu: Ummm, wtf? Who the Hell is Peter? What?
Kirk: Peter is Chekov's brother. He was killed by Klingons. Very tragic.
Sulu: Uh huh. Guys. Chekov is an only child.
Kirk: ... what.
Sulu: You don't know your crew at all do you?
Kirk: ...
Sulu: I have interests beyond sword play, if you're curious. And I have family back on Earth...
Kirk: Didn't I give you an order a while back?
Sulu: Yes, sir. Right, sir. I'll go be awesome somewhere else where it won't make the rest of you look bad, sir.

So everyone is angry and fighting. Chekov has gone kinda nuts. Scotty went to the armory, and all of the phasers were gone, but he did find a nice claymore, so that's something. In no way can that end in tears. But don't worry, you guys, I think Spock has a theory.

Granted, I'm not exactly sure what his theory is. I got distracted by the fact that he was gripping his sword by the blade. He was just sort of idly hitting the hilt of the sword against his palm, his other hand holding the sharp pointy bit. I kept wanting him to slice up his fingers. Because he would deserve it.

I also got distracted that while everyone else had big long swords, Uhura had an ugly, dinky dagger. Would it have been so hard to give her an actual weapon? I mean, really.

Spock and Kirk talk about how something strange is happening and they need to find Kang and talk him into a truce. Doctor McCoy shows up just in time to hear the talk of a truce. Now, you'd think he would be pleased with a truce that would stop the influx of people into his sickbay. You would be wrong. Those Klingons are complete douchbags and need to be put down! They hurt us so we need to hurt them! Angry Bones is Angry! Now, if you're me, you're wondering why on Earth he's on the bridge instead of sickbay. I mean, usually he has at least some excuse to be there when he shouldn't be. But no one else questions it, so it must be okay. Eventually Kirk shuts Bones up and sends him back to actually do his job.

Now, this entire time, the Klingons have been working to take over bits of the ship. Despite Scotty and Sulu's best efforts, the Klingons now have control of Engineering. Because the Klingons are no fools, they cut off life support to every part of the ship that they don't control!

Huzzah!

I mean.

No.

Our Heroes not having life support is bad. Yeah.

I have to believe this.

Anyway, everyone starts to panic a bit more. Scotty comes under the effect of whatever is making everyone angry racial biggots. Spock tries to talk Scotty (who still has his Claymore, btw) down. Instead, Scotty hurls insults at him.

Scotty: You emotionless prick! You green-blooded half breed.
Spock: You know, I think it would be perfectly logical for me to beat your face in.

Kirk stops any actual blows from being thrown. Sulu is trying to find a way to get power back, but the Klingons have it nicely tied up. Thankfully for everyone (except the Klingons) whatever is causing all the fighting wants everyone alive, so brings life support back. On the downside, the Enterprise is almost out of Dylithium crystals. The ship cannot, in fact, take much more of this warp nine shit.

Kirk and Spock go marching down to sickbay to see how things are going down there. It turns out that everyone is healing at a super fast rate! Even Yeoman Smith, who was stabbed in the heart, is going to be fine in only a few minutes! Very mysterious!

In the mean time, Chekov has returned on screen to make me hate everything. He spies two Klingons walking down the hallway; Mara and a nameless grunt. Chekov kills the grunt and slams Mara against a wall.

Chekov: You may be a Klingon, but you are beautiful.

Oh Hell no.

So Chekov rips Mara's dress and the lighting and camera angles make Chekov's intentions quite clear. My hatred for Chekov spikes. I don't care if he's mind controlled or whatever, that's not cool! I think Mara should have slit his throat right there, he would have deserved it.

Spock and Kirk arrive just in time to stop Chekov from doing something much stupider than usual. It would be awesome if someone would check to make sure Mara is okay. You know, check with her, ask if she needs medical attention. No one thinks of that, though. Instead they just sort of manhandle her around and talk as if she isn't there. Chekov, however, gets gently carried away.

There is another Klingon attacking Kirk, Spock, Mara. Before Kirk and Spock can get their heroics on, though, Yeoman Smith from sickbay punches him out. He's feeling better and ready to report for duty, sir! And by "report for duty" he means "kick some Klingon ass". When he refuses to return to sickbay, Kirk punches him out. In his defense, the last time someone disobeyed his order, Chekov tried to rape a woman. So punching someone out seems reasonable now.

The sparkly ball that's been around everywhere is glowing red with emotions that were just flying around. Kirk and Spock do a quick confab and figure that the sparkly ball is forcing them all to fight so that it can feed off their negative emotions. It can keep them alive indefinitely, fighting forever, to feed it's hunger. The only way to stop it is to stop fighting. Which is, of course, easier said than done.

They need to get in touch with Kang so that they can negotiate. Kirk gets on the intercom

Kirk: Kang, we need to talk. Shit is going down and we need to get a truce.
Mara: Kang! It's a trap!
Kang: *hangs up*
Kirk: Son of a bitch.

Back up to the bridge everybody! Things are looking dire. They only have a few minutes of power left. They have to talk to Kang. Then Scotty has the brilliant idea of pointing out to Kang that they have his wife held hostage. 'Cause that can't end in tears.

Kirk: Kang! No, don't hang up this time! Listen! We have your wife and we will kill her if you don't comply with our negotiation demands!
Kang: She knew the risks before she went into space.
Kirk: ... Are you sure? Um.
Kang: *hangs up again*
Kirk: Well, shit.
Mara: Well, are you going to kill me or not?
Kirk: Not. We don't actually pull the shit that you've heard about, it was just propaganda. Though it might be for the best if you avoid Chekov. For safety.

Mara, having seen the goodness that humans can do, agrees to try to help Kirk if they can just get to Kang. I forget who suggests intraship transport, but Scotty knows that it's a bad idea.

Which, of course, stops nobody.

Kirk and Mara head to the transporter room. I don't know why they're the only two in the transporter room, thus necessitating Kirk handling the controls and then rushing to the pad, but whatever. Kirk also leaves his sword behind as a sign of good faith for when he gets to Engineering.

Kirk once again tries to talk to Kang, but he will have none of it. Mara tries to talk sense into him, but Kang takes one look at her ripped clothes and dismisses her. Because when someone gets raped, they can never be trusted again.

So there is another sword fight and what's available of the Enterprise crew arrives to start swinging swords around and there is a pretty epic battle going on. Even Doctor McCoy is there, though I once again wonder what the Hell he's doing outside sickbay again. A duty: you has one, doctor.

Anyway, everyone is fighting (not any women, though. Mara is being held in the sidelines, Uhura I guess is up on the bridge, and Chapel is Miss-Not-Appearing-In-This-Episode), and the sparkly ball is red and happy. Kirk, of course, is the only one who notices.

Kirk: Kang! Look! Sparkleson is all alight! It's using us! Surely that will make you calm the fuck down!
Kang: I'm being used? That is not cool.

So Kirk and Kang call for immediate cessation of hostilities and everyone puts down their weapons. Then Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Kang go and shoo the Sparkly ball off of the ship. Seriously, they shooed it like you would shoo a pet off of your favorite chair. And everyone laughs.

We don't get to see how they get back to occupied space, we don't see how they handle having the Klingons on board or the complete nightmare the human/Klingon relations are now. We don't get to know if Chekov still remembers the brother he never had. We don't know if the crewmen are still trapped below.

And we never will

*Chekov doesn't get to be one of the Heroes anymore, I've decided. He can reapply for Hero when he's been rebooted.

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