skyfyre: Sumeragi Hokuto from X/1999, Smiling (Default)
skyfyre ([personal profile] skyfyre) wrote2010-07-15 09:11 pm
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The Tholian Web

Yesterday I sent several emails almost like a responsible adult. It was slightly less mature of me that I did it all while still wearing my pajamas in the middle of the afternoon.

I am a winner.

Today I got my hair cut to around my ears, because that's actually the length I prefer it.

Also among my list of accomplishments is watching another episode of Star Trek. This wasn't so bad, though, as it was actually a decent episode. I'm wondering if that's because Chekov spends most of it restrained to a biobed and Kirk spends most of it unable to speak.

Anyway.

The episode opens with everyone staring, tense and silent, at the view screen. We cut to a shot of everyone's face: Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Spock, Kirk. None of them like what they see. And then we see the view screen ourselves. It's full of stars.

Holy shit, you guys, we're in space. Leave it to Starfleet Officers to not notice until now.

Okay, no, they're actually all unhappy because there's supposed to be a Federation vessel, the Defiant, in distress over here, but it's not and they're in uncharted space (which shouldn't actually be all that unusual for them, what with the whole "where no man has gone before" thing) and apparently space is breaking apart or something.

Then from a distance they see the missing ship approaching, only it doesn't register on any of their scans and it's glowing a rather unhealthy looking green. So, naturally, we're going to beam aboard to investigate. It can't possibly end in tears! Kirk tells Bones to meet him at the transporter room and grabs Spock and Chekov on his way off of the bridge.

I'm assuming that Chekov is coming along to hurt me in my soul.

They all meet up in the transporter room and, frankly, they could have tap danced onto the transporter pad and I wouldn't have noticed. I was too busy being distracted by their totally awesome space suits. I mean, look at them:



Those things are hysterical. These are clearly the best. Space suits. Ever.

So, after I'm done laughing at them, they beam over to the Defiant, and discover a bunch of dead bodies, including one corpse with his hands around another corpse's neck. Our Heroes (and Chekov) don't really like what they're seeing.

Chekov: Has there ever been a mutiny on a Starship before?
Spock: Absolutely no record of such an occurrence, Ensign.

...

I CALL SHENANIGANS.

Even if you managed to hack into Starfleet's computer's and erased any data gathered about the time you mutinied (YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT), do you mean to tell me that in the entire history of Starfleet there has never been even one mutiny? I don't buy it, Spock. I can't believe you just tried to pull that on me.

Unless you were just messing with Chekov. In which case, carry on.

So Kirk calls to the Enterprise to send some security guards over while Bones checks the bodies on the bridge. At this point, I would like to mention that their epic space suits of epicness are also labeled with their names.



Kirk then goes and cancels the security detail. You see, if they came over, they would have to wear space suits, and their suits would have to have their names on them.

We can't go giving the red shirts names, guys. Down that path is anarchy and destruction.

Anyway, Chekov is sent to check out engineering while Bones scout sick bay. Those areas are as riddled with corpses as the bridge was.

As Chekov is exploring engineering, it is revealed that he is along for the mission to be this episode's butt monkey, so that none of the characters named in the opening credits have to. Chekov starts to stagger and gets funky POV camera shots.

Hopefully, this will teach him not to take shrooms before going on duty.

(At least it's not a member of the crew ignoring bio hazard regulation that's making him act weird this time. Though, you know that if Chekov had been around in the first season, he would have been the one with his damn glove off. And he probably would have sang songs about Mother Russia.)

So while Chekov is tripping out, Bones reports that he thinks that the entire crew killed each other, possibly through some sort of disease.

Oh, and his hand just went through a table, so maybe they should leave now.

So they all gather back on the body-strewn bridge*, Chekov apparently cool now and in no way a ticking time bomb, and wait to be beamed back to the Enterprise.

And sometime while no one was looking, the transporter stopped working. Because this is the Enterprise, and nothing ever works the way it's supposed to. This is what happens when you don't make regular repairs.

Or the whole "space is breaking up" thing is messing with all their shit.

Whichever.

Anyway, Scotty can only beam back three people at a time, he'll have to get the fourth on a second go. Kirk tells Bones and Chekov to prepare for beaming while he and Spock have a macho pissing contest to see who waits for the second beam up. Of course, since Kirk is the higher ranked and more important officer who shouldn't even go on away missions, he stays behind. And, of course, because he stayed behind, Scotty was able to beam the other three safely, but the Defiant disappeared before Scotty could grab Kirk.

And thus was James T. Kirk lost to the inky blackness of space, never to be seen again.

You know what this mean, you guys?

FUCK YEAH, THE CAPTAIN'S GONE! IT'S TIME TO PAR-TAY!

...or, you know, not.

Spock tries to explain what's happening and how they can totally save Kirk. There's something about overlapping universes and how they just have to wait until a certain time when they'll be able to pick up Kirk's signal again but they have to stay perfectly still in the mean time.

Around this time, Chekov goes nuts, because that's what Chekov does.

Chekov is quickly subdued and Bones starts asking about signs and symptoms and the events leading up to his most recent psychotic break, and I'm so impressed by this display of actual doctoring**, I almost forget that he has no reason to be on the bridge again.

And then, as if their lives didn't suck enough, the titular Tholians come by to chat.

So hailing frequencies are open and



HOLY SHIT IT'S THE MASK OF THE RED DEATH, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

I mean. We're all find here. Nothing to see, move along.

Wait a tic. Chekov, what are you still doing there? I can see the back of your head....

Geez, he's been dragged off screen and he's still ruining my life.

Anyway.

The Tholians want the Enterprise to GTFO their space, and no they don't care that the Federation has declared this space neutral, it's their damn space. They also see no signs of any distressed ships. But, hey, Spock says that something ought to show up in about 2 hours. They can wait that long for Spock's evidence.

Then they'll blow up the Enterprise. It's only polite, after all.

Spock and Bones have decided that the best course of action is to spend the episode bitching at each other. Seriously, Bones is all "Spock, you are the worse Captain ever in the history of ever." and Spock is all "Hey, here's a question for the ages: why the Hell aren't you in sick bay being useful for once?"

The world is going to shit around them and all they can do is spend all their time telling each other how much the other sucks. If they were tiny children they would be pulling on each other's pigtails. Their mutual bitchiness only escalates when Spock fails to save Kirk and screws everyone over in the process. And then the Tholians start building the web that this episode is supposed to be about.

McCoy: GOOD JOB SCREWING EVERYTHING UP, SPOCK.
Spock: YOU ARE NOT HELPING THE SITUATION, DOCTOR.

Finally Kirk has to come in from beyond the grave to tell them to quit it. Really, I think that it's nice that Kirk knows his friends so well that he left a video for them to watch to tell them to get the fuck along.

Video!Kirk: DUDES. CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Listen, I'm dead and you're not. But maybe, with your powers combined, you could almost be half as awesome as me! Now go avenge me, my less popular friends!

Bless.

Despite video!Kirk's scolding, they're still bitching at each other, but now it's more their base line bitching, instead of what they were doing before, which was getting hurtful.

At this point, Kirk starts to act like Old Hamlet's ghost and starts appearing everywhere to scare the shit out of people.

Kirk: O horrible, O horrible, most horrible!

First Uhura and then Scotty sees him. Spock and Bones don't believe it, though, so they just keep on angsting. Uhura, for her troubles, gets a trip to sick bay to see if she's gone insane.

McCoy: Do you think they're all seeing Captain Kirk because they're losing confidence in you?
Spock: No, seriously, why aren't you in sick bay?

Finally, everyone sees Kirk on the bridge and they figure out that it wasn't just Uhura being a hysterical woman and Scotty being a drunkard. After this they figure everything out relatively fast. Now that Spock knows that Kirk's still out there, it's quick work to figure out when they'll be able to beam him back again.

Now that things are looking back up, Bones goes and figures out the antidote for Space Madness! He stops by Spock's quarters to personally serve Spock and Scotty some. He explains to them that it's actually a diluted form of Klingon nerve gas.

Me: I bet the secret ingredient is ~*booze*~.
McCoy: I also cut the nerve agent with alcohol.
Me: ... holy shit, I was right.

No, honest to God, I thought that the antidote had alcohol in it before Bones said that it did. I WAS SO FREAKED OUT WHEN I WAS RIGHT. I'm also not sure if I should be proud of myself for knowing Bones so well, or disappointed in him for thinking that booze is the answer to all of life's troubles.

Apparently his nerve agent and alcohol concoction works because it deadens parts of the brain, which is totally medically sound.

Scotty: Any good brand of Scotch would have done that, Doctor.
McCoy: Shut up and drink your poison.

Oh, and this conversation happened, too:

Scotty: Does it make a good mix with Scotch?
McCoy: It should...
Scotty: I'll let you know! :D

Maybe that's why he and Scotty didn't succumb to Space Madness? Because both of their brains are soaked in bourbon?

And then everyone remembers that they still have to get out of the stupid web.

I'm not sure that the web is really all that effective a weapon. I mean, it takes way to long to construct. And then Spock pulls some sort of trick out of Scotty's ass and they just shift out of the web's way a moment before it shuts.

I'm sure it would have been a lot more impressive if I actually understood what exactly happened. All I know is that one second they were in the middle of the web and then the ship shook (as it often does) and then they were far away. And on top of that they managed to drag Kirk's energy signature with them. And then they beam him back on board with no harm done!

Huzzah!

So Kirk, Bones, and Spock hang out on the bridge to go over what happened and Kirk asks if they had any problems and I swear that Bones and Spock act as if they've started dating but don't want anyone to know about it yet. Though that may be one of those things that just exists in my head. That happens a lot.

And the episode ends with Kirk actually looking kinda hurt that Spock and Bones didn't watch his last words tape. He worked so hard on that!

I'm not actually sure why Spock and Bones lied about watching the tape. That was kinda mean. But whatever makes them happy, I guess. It's not like I'm the one who has to deal with Kirk's pouty faces for the next few days after that.

So, yeah, this was actually a pretty good episode of Trek. Angst and worry! Uhura had lines! There were some really cool looking camera shots! Really, the only thing that really hurt me was Spock claiming that there had never been a mutiny on a Starship.

Because that was a blatant lie.

*This may be a bit of a hyperbole. There were only two bodies on the bridge. But they were very dead.
**Doctoring is totally a word. Because I said so.

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