skyfyre: Sumeragi Hokuto from X/1999, Smiling (that planet won't be quick forgetting us)
skyfyre ([personal profile] skyfyre) wrote2011-06-13 01:20 am
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Star Trek - Elaan of Troyius

It totally hasn't been a year since I last watched an episode of Star Trek. It's been, like, 10 months. And in my own defense, the last episode I watched was "The Empath." FEMINIST RAGE, y'all. One female character and she has no voice and is treated like an object. SO MUCH RAGE.

But, yeah, last night I watched "Elaan of Troyius," which had three female characters with speaking lines! And one of them stabbed people! It was pretty awesome. Granted, none of the female characters spoke to each other, but I've come to expect that from Star Trek. I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.

So, our heroes are apparently on a super secret mission. I'm not exactly sure why the mission is secret, but whatever. It's probably secret to try to keep the Klingons in the area from finding out about it, because the Klingons totally care about diplomatic marriages.

(Guess who already knows about the super secret mission. If you guessed "the Klingons," then congratulations! You know more than our heroes do. Who's surprised?)

So, these two planets, Elas and Troyius, really don't like each other. There was something about mutually assured destruction and a general dislike. The blue/green skinned guy had some pretty nasty things to say about the people of Elas. According to him, they're barbaric and mean and violent.

Bones, being Bones, is quick to point out that all accounts have the women being pretty awesome. If you know what he means and I really wish I didn't.

I love Bones, but I sometimes wish he wouldn't talk about how awesome women are. HE VERY RARELY LOVES US FOR OUR MINDS.

But, yeah, blue/green man is from Troyius, and is supposed to meet this Elasian woman to teach her some Troyian manners before her marriage to some member Troyian royalty. Blue/green man, whose name is Petri or something, is really not looking forward to this, because of the aforementioned brutality of the Elasians.

Oh, yeah. Look at all that orange. These Elasians are so fucking fierce, y'all. (What are those costumes even made of?)

Then these Elasians are all over the transporter room, continuing to be badass while wearing truly ridiculous costumes, and they make everyone kneel when her awesomeness Elaan beams aboard. Elaan is kind of a total bitch, and I'm a little bit in love with her. No, she does not want to hear what you have to say. IT'S NOT NEARLY AWESOME ENOUGH FOR HER EARS.

Kirk: Oooookay. Imma just gonna go then.
Kirk: Um. May I please leave?
Elann: Yeah, okay.

Around this time in my notes* I have written down "sex joke" and something about avoiding friction. All I know is that Captain Kirk DID NOT AVOID FRICTION. In more ways than one. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Elaan is taken to her room, which is actually Uhura's that she's given up for the purpose. When word came that Elaan was complaining about the room, Uhura was going to make her opinion about that known. But Kirk shut her down before she could.

Interrupting women while they're talking is kind of a theme of the episode.

I suppose one could wonder where on the ship Uhura is staying if Elaan is in her room. My beloved parents suggested that she got the room of some inferior officer, and a line of room bumps happened until it ended up with four privates sharing a room. I feel that it's far simpler to assume that Uhura is staying with Spock.

Their love is so logical. Don't even try to deny it.

Anyway, Elaan is pitching a fit in her room. She doesn't like her quarters and she doesn't want any of the gifts Petri is trying to give her and she wants to go home. At this point, I'm fairly certain that no one asked her if she wanted to get married to some person she never met on another planet. So I am pretty much on Elaan's side on this. YOU RIP THAT ROOM APART, ELAAN. NO ONE PUTS THE GIRL WITH A KNIFE IN A CORNER.

She also says that she refuses to wear the ridiculous female trappings that Petri tries to give her. I thought that was awesome up until I remembered what she was wearing. And then it was just kinda sad.

At this point, I feel I should point out that when she first arrived, she was filmed from her feet up. Because her face is not that important.

And then some stuff happens, with Petri bitching about Elaan and Elaan bitching about Petri and Captain Kirk being all "Just be strong!" to Petri.

Which, naturally, leads to Petri being stabbed in the back.

Okay, so killing someone is probably rude. Whatever, I still like Elaan most.

Sadly, Elaan didn't actually kill Petri. She did put him in sickbay for a few days, though. That's pretty sweet. While he's bed ridden** he does get a plot point in.

Nurse Chapel: Hey, while you're immobile. What's with the Elasian women? Why does everyone fawn over them and is it something I can emulate?
Petri: Oh, it's this pheromone thing in their tears. Get that stuff on you, and you'll be head-over-heals for the girl. Didn't you guys get that information before the mission started?
Nurse Chapel: Hmmm? Oh, probably. No one reads the pre-mission reports though. We feel it ruins the surprise.

Then Elaan and Kirk have a fight. He calls her a brat and tries to teach her manners. She slaps him.

I cheer.

(Look, I really like when people get slapped in this show. THEY USUALLY DESERVE IT, THE JERKS.)

As Kirk leaves, Elaan tries to throw a knife into his back. Sadly, she misses. The knife doesn't get taken from her, though. So that's something. (Survival instinct: WHO NEEDS IT.)

Sometime that night, one of the Elasians decides to go sneaking about engineering. Unfortunetly for him, bright orange isn't exactly the best color for subterfuge and a red shirt find him. Unfortunetly for the red shirt he's, you know, a red shirt. As such, just getting his face touch kills him. Later, the show will claim that his neck was snapped. Don't believe the show. A hand was shoved in his face and he died.

While their compatriot is off killing hapless engineers, the other two totally badass men in orange plastic mini-skirts try to keep Kirk from seeing Elaan, who has decided that Kirk is a meanie who shouldn't be allowed near her. The two guys were totally about to pound Kirk's face in, but Kirk cheated and brought a Vulcan to a fist fight. So Spock shoots the fuck out of the two guys and has them hauled away. He then comments that Kirk was right about Elaan totally not wanting to see him, but is confused as to how he reached that conclusion.

Kirk: "Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim."
Me: Can I just mention how much I really wish Elaan's dagger had gotten you in the back?

So Kirk enters Elaan's room and there's this awkward moment when he's holding her down on her bed. Okay, yeah, she went at him with a knife, but at this point, so would I. And then there's some verbal sparring and Elaan locks herself in a room and then there's another awkward moment where Kirk threatens to spank her, but not in any kind of fun way.

At which point Elaan starts crying and Kirk kind of panics. Since Kirk wasn't paying attention earlier when Chapel and Petri discussed plot points, he goes and wipes away her tears and falls in love with her. The consent is very dubious. I mean, Kirk was technically drugged. Five minutes ago, I don't think anyone could have paid him to make out with Elaan, and there he goes, kissing her like it's going out of fashion.

This will totally end well.

Their epic make-outs are interrupted by the face-touching Elasian being caught. They want him to confess what happened, but he's been taught to resist violent interrogation.

Kirk: Oh, no, it's cool. We've got a Vulcan. SPOCK, C'MERE AND DO A MIND MELD.
Me: Aren't those supposed to be difficult and uncomfortable and not just done at the drop of a hat?
Elasian: Whatever, I'm not going to stick around to find out.

And then he totally kills himself.

Which frees Kirk up to go make out with Elaan some more. And apparently talk about their feeling or something.

Kirk: We have a duty to forget what happened.
Elaan: Could you do that?
Me: Sure he can, he does it every other episode.
Kirk: You belong to another man.
Me: No she doesn't.

At this point in my notes I have written "Choice! Agency!" because, seriously, she should be allowed to make her own choice, and she did. She says that she's chosen Captain Kirk. Except the problem with that is she went and drugged him, so maybe his feelings are real, but how can we know? Considering an antidote can be found, it's clearly a biological thing effecting him. So she made her choice, but took away Kirk's, which is just as bad as no one giving her a choice in marrying whoever is on the planet waiting for her. NONE OF THIS IS COOL.

Which doesn't stop them from going at it like rabbits. That's what I assume they're doing, anyway. We only ever see them kiss, but they do that a lot, and we do see them lying on a bed together at one point, which is significant.

Anyway, so they're kissing some more. This time they're interrupted by Kirk's boyfriends Spock and Bones at the door. They both totally think that banging Elaan is a bad idea. Especially as the Klingons that were mentioned at the beginning of the episode are totally about to attack because the face-touching Elasian messed with the Enterprise's warp core.

So then there is a bunch of stuff with the Enterprise trying to bluff it's way out of the Klingon encounter, which doesn't work. Everyone is running around: Kirk is failing at bluffing, Bones is trying to find an antidote for Elaan's love tears, and Elaan changes into the gifts that Petri has given her, because this episode wants me to be unhappy.

It turns out that one of the gifts that Petri gives Elaan is a necklace made of Dylithium crystals, which she is more than happy to give up to save the ship. Scotty, being Scotty, fixes the warp core and the shit is kicked out of the Klingons at the last moment.

Around this time the ship reaches Troyius, where they're going to drop all of their passengers off. Kirk and Elaan have their tearful actually pretty stoic goodbyes, for they can never be together. They each have their duties that they must perform and blah blah blah, there is nothing in this relationship that makes me happy.

Elaan: Remember me.
Kirk: At least until the credits roll.

Then Elaan gives Kirk her dagger because she is not allowed to have anything cool ever and this episode took away everything I liked about Elaan. SHE DOESN'T EVEN GET TO STAB THINGS ANY MORE.

Finally, we end on the bridge with Bones bounding cheerfully in to announce that he totally found a cure for the tears, because he's a total badass that way.

Spock: That's nice, Doctor, but unneeded
Bones: What? I worked really hard on this! A whole five minutes!
Spock: I'm sure you did, but the Captain has found his own antidote.
Bones: Bullshit. You and I both know that Jim is completely useless.
Spock: Be that as it may, it turns out that the only antidote needed is a starship.
Bones: ... Yeah, okay. Whatever.

And so ends the episode. The moral of the story is that Kirk/Enterprise is totally a canon relationship and their love is a love that will last forever.

Enterprise > anyone ever.


*Yeah, I take notes for these things. I AM JUST THAT DEDICATED.
**Because it's not like Bones has had people with worse injuries running around in less time or anything.

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