skyfyre: Sumeragi Hokuto from X/1999, Smiling (We're heading to the planet euphoria)
skyfyre ([personal profile] skyfyre) wrote2011-06-20 03:13 pm
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Star Trek - Whom Gods Destroy

This episode was largely boring and made me question the intelligence of our brave heroes.

So, really, it was just another episode in the third season of Star Trek.

In this episode the Enterprise has been told to go to a mental facility, where a handful of criminally insane people get treatment. There is one treatment facility, which appears to have only one worker of any kind, and fifteen patients. This seems to be the only building on a planet with a poisonous atmosphere and a forcefield around it, to keep the patients from escaping. Because they are really crazy. The Enterprise is to go there to deliver a new medicine that might be able to cure the various patients of their mental disorders.

Because, naturally, all mental diseases are the same and can be totally reversed without examination of the patient it's being used on.

Kirk and Spock beam down to the planet alone, because it's just a simple medical drop off. They meet the person who is apparently the only worker on the entire planet, Dr. Cory.

Dr. Cory: Okay, the force field is up. Now you're trapped here! BWA HA HA HA HA!
Kirk: Bwa ha ha ha ha?
Dr. Cory: Since I so seldom have visitors, would you like to stay for dinner?
Kirk: I totally trust you.

Apparently there's a new patient since the last time Kirk and Spock visited. His name is Garth of Izzar, or something, and he used to be a starship captain. Captain Kirk admired him when he was in Star Fleet Academy, where his shit was taught. So there a bit of fallen might around, but at least Garth has some bling to make up for the fact that he's crazy now.

Kirk asks to see Captain Garth, so Dr. Cory leads him to the cell where he is. On the way, the green skinned woman (I'd say she's Orion, but I don't think I've actually met them yet?) tries to warn them that Dr. Cory is no good! Spock comments that she looks perfectly rational, and the woman, Marta, says that she is totally rational. Dr. Cory points out that she is in a mental facility. So maybe she's not the most trustworthy person around. Just sayin'.

With the really suspicious pointing out that Kirk and Spock are trapped on the planet, and Marta saying that Dr. Cory can't be trusted, it is no surprise at all that when they get to Captain Garth's cell, it is a very beat up Dr. Cory in there instead. It turns out that Garth can take on other people's appearances. It turns out that Marta and the other patients are in on it.

I'm not sure why, upon this reveal, Marta had to take off her outer dress to show the skimpy outfit below, but she did it.

We go to commercial break, and when we come back, Spock's been knocked out. I like how we don't actually get to see that happen. I choose to believe that it's because actually showing Spock being taken down would snap suspension of disbelief. There's no way Season Three Spock can be defeated. HE ONCE PERFORMED BRAIN SURGERY. ON HIMSELF.

He's hardcore, y'all.

Anyway, Spock's dragged out of the room and Kirk is left to deal with Captain Lord Garth, thank you very much. Garth explains how he's totally going to take over the Enterprise and then take over the Universe. it is an awesome plan and there is no flaw to it. When Kirk points out that there's no way the Enterprise will go with Garth. Because they're not complete idiots.

Then Garth takes the image of Kirk, which, you know, evens his odds a bit.

Also, so many evil Kirks. Seriously, Captain. What is with you and clones?

Garth goes off to take over the Universe, one star ship at a time, and Kirk gets a bit of exposition from the real Dr. Cory, who's looking a bit worse for wear. Apparently Garth once got very seriously injured and a bunch of aliens nursed him back to health. This involved teaching him the art of cellular metamorphosis. He then took the technique, which just fixed his skin, and made it so he could copy other people's! Yay! To say thanks for taking care of him, he tried to violently take over the peaceful aliens who helped him! Less yay! And he would have gotten away with it too, if his crew hadn't totally mutinied.

Because of the whole peaceful aliens thing. And then Garth got put in an insane asylum! Happy ending for everyone!

Except for the whole escaping thing now. That kinda blows.

Garth goes to the main control room to get the Enterprise to beam him up. Sadly for him, Scotty is actually has command of the ship right now, and he's actually one of the competent people on the ship. And he has Bones with him as backup. Not that Bones is all that smart this season, but whatever. My point is, after all the run ins with evil Kirks, they've actually learned something. Before Kirk left the ship, he and Scotty actually set up a sign and counter-sign in case something went wrong.

Scotty: Cool. Before I beam you aboard, queen to queen's level 3.
Garth!Kirk: What?
Scotty: Queen to queen's level 3, dude.
Garth!Kirk: I don't have time for your silly chess games!
Scotty: I'm just following your orders, Captain! Queen to queen's level 3.
Garth!Kirk: Shit. I mean! Yes! You've passed my test! Good job. I'm just gonna. Go. Now. Yes.
Scotty: What the hell?

Bones and Scotty wonder what the hell is going on planet side. They get together a security team to beam down, but with the forcefield still intact, they're just going to be on stand-by. They can't blast their way through the force field without destroying the facility and killing everyone inside. They're the biggest badasses in the galaxy, and they're completely powerless.

I find this more amusing than I probably should.

Ha.

So Garth has a bit of a temper tantrum in the control room and changes back to his normal look. I'm not quite sure how he's also changing his clothing, but he is. I also wonder if conservation of mass plays into this at all. 'Cause that cloak of his is really huge. Especially compared to Kirk's thin yellow shirt.

Garth decides that what he is going to do is get the counter sign from Kirk through whatever means necessary. Fun torture times with Captain Kirk! Really, the best part of the Empath was when Kirk was strung up by his wrists. That's interesting.

Spoiler alert: I don't get to see Kirk tortured in this episode. Not in any kind of fun way, anyway. Instead, Garth invites Kirk to dinner. He brings Spock in, so that they can collaborate on an escape Kirk can show that he's in good faith, I guess.

Marta: Why can't I blow off just one of his ears?
Garth: Because that would be rude, Marta. We may be crazy, but we're not rude.

Then we go to dinner, in a scene that is way to long and mostly just kind of awkward. No, really, a lot of this scene is Garth and Marta having a fight. He thinks she's pretty much a skank, she thinks she's the best thing to ever exist ever.

Spock: If you provide a distraction, I believe I can get help.
Kirk: Cool.

Marta: I'M THE HOTTEST WOMAN ON THIS PLANET.
Garth: YOU'RE THE ONLY WOMAN ON THIS PLANET.
Marta: DAMN RIGHT I AM.

Garth: The Captain finds your attentions annoying!
Marta: The Captain loves my attentions!
Kirk: The Captain hates you all.

Garth: You're an idiot, Marta!
Marta: Fuck you, I write poems!
Garth: Bullshit, you do!
Marta: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate, you ass.
Garth: That's Shakespeare.
Marta: Yeah, and I wrote it!

Me: Oh my god. WHERE IS THE STUPID DISTRACTION?

Seriously, that went on forever. And it keeps going on forever. Marta dances for everybody while Garth tries to seduce Kirk with power. He also tries to tell Kirk that he can totally have Marta if he wants, and I get annoyed because no one asked Marta. Marta, who apparently dances like Vulcan children, which makes me wonder what the Vulcan children are learning.

Garth goes on and on about how awesome Kirk is and about this dream he has about ruling the universe. He's going to be supreme leader, you know. And Kirk can rule at his side! It'll be totally awesome! Morals don't matter when you're totally awesome.

I forget how exactly came up, but Garth asks about Kirk and Spock's relationship. I guess their love is just that obvious. Kirk talks about how he and Spock are totally like brothers. While the language is emotional and largely figurative, Spock agrees that the sentiment behind Kirk's assessment is sound.

This pisses Garth off for some reason. Spock gets taken away, and Garth sort of pulls an Elphaba.

Garth: Unlimited! Together we're unlimited! Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been!

Kirk's still not going for it, though, and refuses to give the counter sign when asked point blank. Garth has no choice then but to move on to the not really very comfortable chair torture. Apparently he's taken some chair that used to provide medical treatment and has now made it so it provides excruciating pain all in your head! It doesn't have restraints, but it does have to be plugged in. I assume that everyone's very careful not to trip on the cord.

First they try to torture Dr. Cory to get Kirk to give up the information. But ha! Kirk can with stand other people's torture! So Kirk gets put in the chair instead and get to feel pain unending. Kirk still doesn't give up the information. Before Garth can get really pissy about the whole thing, Marta convinces him to let her use her feminine wiles to get Kirk to talk.

Up on the Enterprise, everyone is still powerless. In case you'd forgotten. I'm not really sure what Bones is doing on the bridge, since there isn't a medical emergency up there. Whatever, it's probably so DeForest can hang out and elevate the whole episode just by his presence.

So Bones and Scotty worry that Spock and Kirk could already be dead. Then we cut to Marta pouring Kirk some wine. His life is so hard.

Marta does her best to seduce Kirk. Kirk totally goes for it, because who is he to say no to the pretty girl making out with him on a comfy bed? That's just rude. Nobody wants to be rude this episode. Eventually Kirk remembers that he has shit he needs to be doing. He tells Marta that he has medicine on the Enterprise that may be able to cure her. He also wants to get Spock, because if they're not gonna go get the medicine, a threesome would be cool instead.

Except Marta is apparently into knife play and that's a hard limit for Kirk.

Spock comes in and knocks poor Marta out. The two of them then go traveling down several very similar looking corridors to get to the control room. The two get back in touch with Scotty on the ship.

Spock: Scotty, you are going to do this, this, and this thing as well.
Scotty: Cool.
Spock: Are you ready?
Scotty: Yup! First thing first, though. Queen to queen's level 3.
Spock: ... Captain, you wanna do this?
Kirk: No, Spock, I think you can handle it.
Spock: Son of a bitch.

So Spock turns out to actually be Garth, which makes me wonder how he was able to do the Vulcan neck pinch. Because if anyone could do it, wouldn't Spock have taught it to security? Or does that make too much sense?

So Garth talks some more about his grand plans. He demands that Kirk get on his knees, and excuse me, Garth, but are you either of his space boyfriends? No? Then you don't get to make him go to his knees.

Garth talks about great dictators in the past, the only ones I remember being Napoleon and Hitler. Neither of them exactly won in the end, though. He also talks about how symbolism is important, and I'll give him that one. Symbolism is pretty awesome.

For the symbolism of it, everybody (sans Spock) have a coronation ceremony for Garth. Garth crowns himself Supreme Ruler of the Universe, Marta as his consort, and Kirk as heir apparent. The ceremony involves walking up and down a bit of carpet as if it's a run way.

WALK WALK FASHION BABY WORK IT MOVE THAT THING CRAZY.

YOU'RE A FREE BITCH BABY.*

Okay, no, you're not actually a free bitch, baby. You're all still trapped on the planet! Yay!

In an effort to actually get off the planet, Garth has turned to intimidation. Not only did he invent the not very comfortable torture chair, he's created a new kind of explosive! He has a flask of this stuff, which if he were to drop it, this side of the planet would pretty much cease to exist. To demonstrate the power of the explosive and how much of a total asshole he is, he has Kirk sit down to watch out the window into the the poisonous atmosphere. Out there, two of Garth's crazy followers drag out poor Marta. Only two people have protective suits. Neither of those two people are Marta.

To show the crazy power of the explosive, Garth has put a single grain of it into Marta's neck, which he can detonate remotely from inside the compound. They watch Marta flail around for a bit, suffering out there in the atmosphere. Then, with a flick of a switch, Garth kills the only woman on the entire planet.

Good job, dude.

Kirk then rightly points out that there is no way he's going to blow anybody up, 'cause then they're all pretty much screwed. Garth then tires of speaking to Kirk and thinks that maybe Spock will give him the answers he wants. He's way more logical and smarter than Kirk. Kirk is a total poopy head and ruins everyone's fun.

When the guards go to grab Spock, Spock decides that there has been enough fooling around. He knocks out the guards, takes a weapon, and goes to kick ass and takes names. Because he is Spock, and he's going to deal with this shit.

Of course, Garth sees Spock coming on the view screen and has time to change his image into Kirk. Two Kirks! No Waiting! And we're back into weird threesome territory.

So there's this bit where Spock tries to figure out which Kirk is which. They keep agreeing with each other about things like why they can't pull the planet's force field down (it could be a trap? Idk.) and stuff. Spock then tries to ask them a question to figure out which is the real Kirk.

Spock: What did we do to defeat that thing that one time?
Kirk: We did this thing!
Other!Kirk: Oh, come on! That's standard operating procedure! Anyone could answer that one!

Spock then gives up on the whole asking questions thing and decided to just wait until Garth runs out of energy to hold up the Kirk image.

I was able to come up with several questions to figure out who the real Kirk is. Not even really complicated questions. They include:


  • What is the name of the Enterprise's chief medical officer?

  • What is the guardian of forever?

  • When did you enlist?

  • What is my mom's name?

  • What is your mom's name?

  • How many women have you been in love with?

  • Who is the navigation officer on the Enterprise

  • Where did we first kiss?



ANY OF THESE WOULD HAVE WORKED.

I despair of the entire crew of the Enterprise.

So, instead of being intelligent, Spock decides to play the waiting game. Except he sucks at that, too. He turns around to grab a chair and gets hit on the head for his troubles. He is knocked out, though, so he gets to watch Kirk struggle against Kirk for dominance. It would probably be way hotter if it weren't a to the death sort of deal.

Eventually one Kirk wins the fight and has a chair up, ready to smash other Kirk in the head if he moves. He tells Spock to kill the impostor. Other Kirk says to shoot them both, it's the only way to be sure.

Sadly, Spock just shoots the chair wielding one instead of both of them. Never mind that he could have just stunned them both from the start and carried out whatever needed doing without all of the dramatics. That would have been a reasonable thing to do.

The episode is then wrapped out. Everyone gets medicine. Garth doesn't remember a single thing that happened in the episode. Marta is still dead.

There is also the final cutesy conversation between Spock and Kirk about what happened in the control room. Apparently Spock totally knew which Kirk was which. He was just waiting for Garth to kick Kirk's punk ass. Because he was totally going to.

Kirk said something in response and didn't let Spock have a comeback. Because he's a bad boyfriend.

*a quick internet search suggests that I've got these lyrics wrong. I don't even care. I DO WHAT I WANT.

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