skyfyre: Sumeragi Hokuto from X/1999, Smiling (What is this fuckery?)
skyfyre ([personal profile] skyfyre) wrote2012-10-18 08:28 pm
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Star Trek - The Mark of Gideon

So, after ages and ages, I have finally watched another episode of Star Trek: the Original Series. Alas, the third season is continuing the trend that made me stop watching it in the first place. That trend, of course, is it being really boring. So it tooks me months to watch the episode, and then months to actually write this. Because I miss the times when they would dress up like gangsters or Nazis or face giant space amoebas. You know- quality episodes.

Anyway, on to this episode, “The Mark of Gideon.”



With a title like that, I was hoping that the episode was going to be a bit more Biblical. Though I know that if it were, they would have found a way to mess that one up.

This series has made me so cynical, it’s not even funny.

Anyway, no, it turns out that the planet of the week is called Gideon, because you can only call a planet something like Traxalon V for so long before the viewers start to get suspicious. We are at Gideon for negotiations for the planet joining the Federation. Our heroes are representing the Federation in the proceedings, but there is just one small hiccup -- Gideon isn’t allowing large groups of people onto the planet. In fact, they are only allowing one person onto the planet, and they want that one person to be Captain Kirk. One must assume that it’s because they heard how pretty his eyes are.

So Captain Kirk takes a moment to gloat to Spock about going planet-side, because while the people of Gideon are really weird about who actually gets to visit, the planet itself is apparently something like a paradise. And Kirk gets to go and Spock doesn’t nya nya nya nya!

Kirk stands on the transporter while Spock puts in the coordinates that the Gideon high council very carefully gave them, so that Kirk could get safely to their council chamber.

So, naturally, Kirk is transported to a now empty Enterprise.

You guys couldn’t afford a new planet set, huh?

We then spend a lot of time watching Kirk wander around the ship, trying to see if anyone is there. There isn’t, but it’s almost adorable how he keeps trying. If Kirk gives an order, and no one's around to here it, is he still Captain?

So Kirk wanders around forever, acting like a confused lost puppy. Poor dear. Meanwhile, Spock is having the Vulcan equivalent to a complete freak out, because he lost his space boyfriend. And by boyfriend, I meant captain. Yes.

Anyway.

The diplomats on Gideon refuse to be helpful at all during the “Where the fuck did Kirk go?” discussion. They insist that the Enterprise must have lost him, and that they had nothing to do with it, absolutely nothing, and why are you looking at them like that Captain Kirk is missing, Gideon out.

Spock declares that they will scan all of space if they have to in order to find Kirk again. I assume that this is because it was Kirk’s turn to take out the trash and like hell is Spock getting stuck with that chore again. Or because Kirk’s the Captain and they like him. I don’t know, you guys. Spock’s really angry.

Also, Bones said some stuff, but I’m not sure what because I was too busy trying to figure out what he was doing on the bridge. Other than being a good sight for my poor eyes.

Because Kirk has the best luck ever, the only other person on his empty Enterprise is a pretty blonde woman. LET’S GET ON THAT.

So to speak.

This girl’s name is Odona. She thinks this empty Enterprise is awesome! She seems kind of like a ditz, but at least she has a voice. Unlike some Star Trek women I could name.

Kirk and Odona hold hands. They have the entire ship to themselves. Who knows what kind of trouble they’ll get into. I bet they’ll totally fool around on the bridge.

Oh, hey, they totally do end up on the bridge! Except Kirk insists on mansplaining things to her. And insisting that she’s from Gideon. Which, okay, she is (spoilers!), but he can’t know that. He comes across as a total asshole.

Which, you know, he is, but whatever. He should be better at this. He’s a Captain.

Here’s the problem with the episode (one of the many problems with this episode): there are two storylines going on. There’s Kirk trapped aboard and empty Enterprise with Odona and there is Spock and the rest trying to find Kirk. The lack of people other than Odona in Kirk’s story makes it boring, because it’s essentially Kirk talking to himself, and I don’t like him enough to deal with that. The bit with Spock and the rest could be interesting, but instead of going in with guns blazing, they have to resort to diplomacy. And I don’t know about you guys, but I find diplomacy to be kind of boring. I miss the times when Kirk would be diplomatic by punching someone in the face.

Those were good times.

Anyway, after a while we get to see a heart-to-heart between Kirk and Odona about how beautiful everything is. Odona is talking about, like, the ship and space and such. Kirk is talking about Odona, because he hasn’t gotten any in at least five minutes and that’s just not right.

Odona wants to be alone forever. Odona is me. I am Odona.

Except I wouldn’t touch Kirk with a ten foot pole. I don’t know where he’s been.

Unlike me, Odona wants to ease Kirk of his pain and his fears.

Oh, also, Odona’s home planet is totally overpopulated in a bad way.

Kirk: Who sent you?
Odona: No one commands Odona. I was not sent here.
Me: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull.

Kirk: Do you want to die?
Odona: Don’t know, don’t care!
Me: Did you know that dying can be considered a metaphor for orgasm? Just throwing that out there, you kids carry on.

And then they totally made out on the bridge. Just like Kirk always dreamed!

The moment is kind of ruined by the faces on the main view screen totally staring at them like a bunch of pervs. Voyeurism is all very well and good, but you should totally check in with the people you’re staring at.

Otherwise you’re just Edward Cullen.

No one wants that.

No one.

Kirk and Odona go walking off hand in hand, and go to investigate a strange noise. Which leads them to seeing a bunch of people in the window. Which was probably meant to be creepier than it was.

They have a bit of a talk, and then Kirk goes kind of crazy and yells at Odona, because maybe she killed the entire crew of the Enterprise, and yelling always helps with that.

Then Odona gets kind of faint, with either love or illness, it could go either way.

And also the Gideon diplomats are totally perving along with the rest of the faces. One of the diplomats kind of reminds me of a less attractive Tom Hardy. Which is totally relevant because I said so.

Odona is totally sick and looks really happy about the fact that she will cause illness and death on her planet. She’s then taken away by her father the head diplomat. Now Kirk is a hostage and he’s lost the girl, making this possibly the worst day ever.

Back on the Enterprise, Spock is trying to convince Star Fleet Command to let him go and rescue Kirk, diplomacy be damned.

Star Fleet: Has your crew suddenly become interested in starting a war?
Me: Dude, have you met the crew of the Enterprise?

Sometimes, I wish I knew more about disease and the spreading of it, if only so I can talk about how this plot can’t possibly work.

Head diplomat who probably has a name but I’m too lazy to remember it: What is it like to feel pain?
Odona: Well, it hurts for one thing.

Over half way through the episode, something finally happens. Head Diplomat explains that they purposefully brought Kirk there to infect Odona with a rare disease that is nearly always fatal and nearly killed Kirk himself. Head Diplomat apologizes for hurting Kirk for the blood sample and admits that it was “unforgivably awkward” of them to do so. Kirk does the totally rational thing and starts hitting people.

His tendency towards violence is one of my favorite things about Kirk, really.

You know, Spock, your decision to commit treason by disobeying a direct command would be bigger if you didn’t keep doing it.

Though, I suppose, you wouldn’t have to commit treason so often if you weren’t surround by people giving you stupid orders.

Or is that just what you tell yourself?

My point is, you could at least let Bones come along on your merry mission of treason. He would probably have more fun with it.

Bones, you should totally just go along anyway. Why follow commands? It’s not like Spock is doing it.

Now we get some explanations about just what is up with Gideon. Apparently they don’t know disease at all, death is very rare, and population rates are up.

I’m not sure that this works on a evolutionary level. Shouldn’t something still happen to keep from over population? Lack of food, new diseases, such like that?

To help with population control, Kirk suggests things like contraception. Which is actually a really good idea, and I bet Kirk has a box of condoms somewhere on him right now.

This was really radical for the 60’s, wasn’t it?

Alas, one of the big things on Gideon is that all life is sacred and they couldn’t possibly waste potential and use contraception or whatever. They are pretty firmly pro-life.

Which is why they plan to introduce a planet-wide pandemic.

Think of the children.

Kirk is ignoring that whole debate now, though, by focusing on the fact that they’re killing his girlfriend of the episode.

I’m not actually sure why they need to keep Kirk around, now. They say they need his blood to keep infecting people, but don’t they have Odona for that now? Just cart her around and have her cough on people. She’d be glad to do it.

For that matter, I bet you could have just let him come down in the first place, see the horror that is Gideon, and then conveniently cut him somehow. Blood everywhere, tons infected. It would totally be a workable plan.

Through that whole explanation, Spock has been wandering around the empty Enterprise himself. He notices that it’s an exact, though inoperative, replica of the ship. I have to wonder how they managed that. Is this like the time they gave Khan complete access to their library which included the plans for the ship?

Spock monologues about finding Kirk before whatever Gideon’s planning goes through. Or his life will change forever.

Apparently if Odona dies young, she’ll be a ~*symbol*~. Which is just what every girl wants to be.

Now that she’s dying, Odona is kinda regretting this. If only because she wants to stay with Kirk forever. Which is the opinion of a lot of people.

Like Spock, who has come to Vulcan neck pinch some people. He takes Kirk and Kirk’s new girlfriend back to the Enterprise to heal Odona.

Odona does live, btw. Because Kirk always gets his way. Except Odona is totally going back to Gideon to infect people. Because that is still a thing that is happening.

So. Yeah.

That was a thing that happened.

All I want is an interesting episode of Star Trek. I know that they can do it. They’ve done it before. It’s an achievable goal.

Maybe I’ll just rewatch another episode of Glee.


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