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The Enterprise Incident
GUYS, GUYS.
SPOCK GOT SOME.
AWWW, YEAH.
You know, I think I just like any episode that involves Romulans. They're all so cool!
The Romulan episodes show that just because you're enemies doesn't mean that you don't each have a point and that you each have bureaucracy and everyone involved is at least marginally competent at their job.
So, you know, awesome.
Anyway, you guys do not want to know how many times I had to watch the first 30 seconds or so of this episode to get it to work for me. So I can tell you that captain Kirk starts off this episode as a complete douche. Doctor McCoy thinks that maybe the Captain hasn't gotten laid recently enough. It's always a problem. He's thinking of writing a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Your James Tiberius Kirk". That's why he wants to do the full psychological exam on him, for the chapter called "BTW, He's Nuts".
Kirk: Gimme information!
Chekov: Here it is!
Kirk: Not good enough! SPOCK. Go scan some stuff.
Spock: I already did.
Kirk: Do it again! WHY DOES EVERYONE SUCK BUT ME?
Sulu: Could tell you what to suck...
Kirk: Excuse me? Alright, just for that, you are flying us into Romulan territory
Dramatic Music: OH SNAP.
And then they get themselves surrounded by Romulan ships.
Whoops.
The Romulans give them the terms of the Enterprise's surrender and they have one hour to comply.
There is a meeting of the maincharacters crew. Scotty lets everyone know that this situation blows. Kirk snaps at him, like the douche he is. Spock lets everyone know that Captain Kirk is a dick that flew them where they had no business being. Doctor McCoy is somehow surprised by this.
McCoy: Dude. We didn't have orders to be stupid this time? Dude.
Kirk: Why are you even here? Go away.
McCoy: This is so going in my book.
Spock and Kirk are called over to the Romulan ship and hostages are exchanged.
Kirk: How can we trust you?
Sub-Commander Tal: Dude, you crossed over to our territory. You're the bad guys here, you are the ones who can't be trusted.
Kirk: Fair enough, we'll be right over.
So they go over the Romulan ship and they meet the Romulan commander. Who is a ~*woman*~.
Kirk: This mission just got so much better.
She interrogates her prisoners separately, because she's not stupid. Captain Kirk claims that it was a navigational error that caused their trespass into Romulan territory.
Somehow, she doesn't believe this. She accuses Kirk of espionage. He tells he that that is a ridiculous claim and says that he's innocent of such a crime. She asks what would have happened if a Romulan ship had crossed into Federation Space. Her point, it is proven.
So she calls in Spock and shows off her blatant favoritism. She also lets the audience know that Vulcans can't lie. Spock confirms that Vulcans can't lie. And why would he lie about that?
So she asks Spock about what happened, and takes his silence as damning.
Kirk: He's not even saying anything!
Commander: Yeah? What isn't he saying though? That you're a spy?
Spock: Hey, I've got a few things to say as the resident truth speaker.
Commander: Please, go on.
Kirk: Aw, shit.
Spock tells the commander that Captain Kirk is a big mean-y head and insane to boot. He says that Kirk took them past the neutral zone on his own authority and that the Federation knew nothing about Kirk's power-hungry machinations.
Kirk doesn't respond well.
Kirk: I AM GONNA KNOCK YOUR PUNK-ASS DOWN YOU GREEN BLOODED SON OF A BITCH.
So, Kirk is thrown in the Brig and the Commander tries to tell Spock that, really, the benefits package of the Romulan military isn't that bad.
Kirk, despairing that Spock might actually get the girl, throws himself into his prison's force field.
Uhura: Doctor McCoy, you're needed on the Romulan ship
McCoy: I'm sorry, providing aid to the enemy isn't on my list of things to do today.
Uhura: It's the Captain, Doctor. He's done something stupid.
McCoy: Of course he has.
So McCoy goes to tend to poor Jim Kirk whose pride has been wounded. Spock and the nice Commander go at a leisurely pace to Kirk's cell. Along the way the Commander invites Spock to dinner, and the guards aren't invited. They arrive at Kirk's cell, just in time for McCoy to tell them that Kirk's done gone went crazy. He also bitches at Spock for betraying the Enterprise. The Commander tells him to stfu. She might have told him to gtfo as well if Kirk hadn't taken that moment to throw himself at Spock in attempt to kill him. Instead Spock goes on instinct and shoves his hand in Kirk's face. He explains that this is a Vulcan Death Grip and whoops. McCoy is unimpressed with the murder of his Captain. The Commander thinks it's kinda hot.
McCoy takes Kirk back to the Enterprise and goes off to check on.... something. While he's away, Nurse Chapel comes in to, I assume, weep over the fallen heroes body, just like Kirk would have wanted. Instead she sees him briefly open his eyes.
Chapel: OMG. DOCTOR, CODE Z! THE ZOMBIE UPRISING HAS STARTED.
McCoy: Jim, you are so lucky they didn't try to perform an autopsy.
Chapel: The Captain isn't a zombie?
McCoy: Nope, all just a clever plan to commit espionage. Which is what we're doing.
Chapel: And you knew? That's so cool!
McCoy: Fuck no, no one ever tells me anything. I found out just before all the fake dying. I assume so that I wouldn't be the one performing the autopsy.
Kirk: I admit, that was part of it.
So an indeterminate amount of time and a surgery later, McCoy calls Scotty down to Sick Bay.
Scotty: Ummm? In case you've forgotten we're kinda surrounded and could be blown to bits at any moment. I sort of have to stay here.
McCoy: Please come to Sick Bay?
Scotty: Be right there.
Scotty comes down to sick bay and finds that Captain Kirk is alive! And has now been made to look like a Romulan.
You see, when McCoy said that he was going to take Kirk into "surgery", he meant "make up". Huzzah.
While Kirk is getting his make over, Spock is having dinner with the Commander. She tells him that the Romulan Empire can give him a ship of his own. He says that that sounds swell. She tells him that really, all they have to do is have him lead a small band of her soldiers onto the Enterprise to take it over. He says that that sounds swell, too, but surely it can wait until after all the seduction?
Yes. Yes it can.
(You know, JJ Abrams has a new show coming out next fall called Undercovers. It's about a married couple who are spies. In the teaser clip I watched, the word "sexpionage" was used. That is totally what this whole situation is)
Anyway, during all the sexpionage and mood setting background music, Spock gets to find out the Commanders name. Much like The Doctor, though, we don't get to know her name. I imagine that it's something like Felafel. Spock comments that Felafel doesn't really sound like a soldier's name. So she goes off to slip into a little more comfortable. While she goes off to change, Spock calls into the Enterprise to let Kirk know where to beam into.
Captain Kirk, being Captain Kirk, has already beamed aboard, possibility of being beamed into a bulkhead be damned. So, really, all Spock's communication did was (other than establish to the Enterprise that he was still alive and let Kirk know where the cloaking device is, whatever) let the Romulans know that someone on the ship is talking to the Enterprise without permission. So Sub-Commander Tal, quite rightly, goes to tell Felafel the new development.
Felafel, while her crew is doing their job, has come out of her room in an actually very nice looking dress. Normally I think all the clothing on this show looks ridiculous (in degrees ranging from "faintly" to "completely"), but that dress was actually good. Spock clearly agrees with me as he went and had hand sex with her.
I'm not even kidding. One minute in, y'all. Her dress will stimulate their conversation! Hee!
However, before they could get any further than hand porn, Tal comes in to break the bad news to Felafel. She realizes that the cloaking device is in danger and dashes off with her soldiers to see to it.
Sadly, though, Kirk has already gotten to the device, which totally doesn't look like a giant bong, by the way. He uninstalls the device that he has never seen before and beams away with it. Spock tells Felafel that that he is the First Officer of the USS Enterprise. The look on her face hurts and I felt so bad for her. So I was totally on board when she slapped Spock.
Though, it's possible that I just think it's hilarious when people get slapped.
Kirk tells Scotty to install the device into the Enterprise to aid in their escape. Chekov is told to try and find Spock's reading on the ship in order to beam him out of there. Spock buys everyone time by demanding the right to a statement before his execution (sexpionage, while fun, is frowned upon).
Spock: You see, it all started with my mother...
Chekov eventually locks on to Spock and starts beaming him to the Enterprise. Felafel, acting fast, throws herself into the beam. Thankfully for everyone involved, what results is not a genetic monstrosity with a single body on the transporter room floor. Spock and Felafel go to the bridge while Kirk orders the ship to Warp 8.
Was I imagining that the Enterprise going to warp 8 was really dangerous and not that good an idea? I mean, I know they're running. But exploding isn't cool. Especially when poor Scotty is distracted trying to make an alien contraption work with the Enterprise's equipment. So Kirk opens a channel with Tal, in an attempt to not do that whole "blowing up" thing.
Kirk: Hey, look! We have your Commander!
Felafel: BLOW US UP, TAL.
Kirk: SON OF A BITCH.
Me: Dude, I could have told you she was going to do that.
So Kirk panics a little bit, but it's okay because Scotty totally has this covered.
Because he's Montgomery Goddamn Scott, y'all. And he's not about to let some Romulans roll up on his shit, yo.
So the ship goes invisible and they do some quick manoeuvrings to keep from being shot when the Romulans go to shoot where the Enterprise should be if maintaining course and speed. The fact that the Romulans did that is one of the reasons I love them.
So while Kirk goes off to get his makeup removed (because he spent the whole dramatic finale looking hilarious) Spock escorts his lady friend to her room, where she gets to wait while they head to a star base to drop her off.
Spock: Admit it, you like me a bit more because of this.
Felafel: You know, we're going to find a way to find cloaked ships soon.
Spock: Whatever, our love is a love that will last.... at least the small amount of time to the end of the episode.
And Spock and Felafel go their own separate ways.
All in all, I liked this episode. It had Romulans. It had a woman who, while she was there to seduce and be seduced, was still a Commander, was perfectly willing to execute Spock and let herself be blown up for the greater glory of the Empire. The episode also made me laugh out loud several times and not on purpose. I love it when Star Trek does that.
And now I want hot chocolate, even though it's 80 degrees. Just, you know, fyi.
SPOCK GOT SOME.
AWWW, YEAH.
You know, I think I just like any episode that involves Romulans. They're all so cool!
The Romulan episodes show that just because you're enemies doesn't mean that you don't each have a point and that you each have bureaucracy and everyone involved is at least marginally competent at their job.
So, you know, awesome.
Anyway, you guys do not want to know how many times I had to watch the first 30 seconds or so of this episode to get it to work for me. So I can tell you that captain Kirk starts off this episode as a complete douche. Doctor McCoy thinks that maybe the Captain hasn't gotten laid recently enough. It's always a problem. He's thinking of writing a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Your James Tiberius Kirk". That's why he wants to do the full psychological exam on him, for the chapter called "BTW, He's Nuts".
Kirk: Gimme information!
Chekov: Here it is!
Kirk: Not good enough! SPOCK. Go scan some stuff.
Spock: I already did.
Kirk: Do it again! WHY DOES EVERYONE SUCK BUT ME?
Sulu: Could tell you what to suck...
Kirk: Excuse me? Alright, just for that, you are flying us into Romulan territory
Dramatic Music: OH SNAP.
And then they get themselves surrounded by Romulan ships.
Whoops.
The Romulans give them the terms of the Enterprise's surrender and they have one hour to comply.
There is a meeting of the main
McCoy: Dude. We didn't have orders to be stupid this time? Dude.
Kirk: Why are you even here? Go away.
McCoy: This is so going in my book.
Spock and Kirk are called over to the Romulan ship and hostages are exchanged.
Kirk: How can we trust you?
Sub-Commander Tal: Dude, you crossed over to our territory. You're the bad guys here, you are the ones who can't be trusted.
Kirk: Fair enough, we'll be right over.
So they go over the Romulan ship and they meet the Romulan commander. Who is a ~*woman*~.
Kirk: This mission just got so much better.
She interrogates her prisoners separately, because she's not stupid. Captain Kirk claims that it was a navigational error that caused their trespass into Romulan territory.
Somehow, she doesn't believe this. She accuses Kirk of espionage. He tells he that that is a ridiculous claim and says that he's innocent of such a crime. She asks what would have happened if a Romulan ship had crossed into Federation Space. Her point, it is proven.
So she calls in Spock and shows off her blatant favoritism. She also lets the audience know that Vulcans can't lie. Spock confirms that Vulcans can't lie. And why would he lie about that?
So she asks Spock about what happened, and takes his silence as damning.
Kirk: He's not even saying anything!
Commander: Yeah? What isn't he saying though? That you're a spy?
Spock: Hey, I've got a few things to say as the resident truth speaker.
Commander: Please, go on.
Kirk: Aw, shit.
Spock tells the commander that Captain Kirk is a big mean-y head and insane to boot. He says that Kirk took them past the neutral zone on his own authority and that the Federation knew nothing about Kirk's power-hungry machinations.
Kirk doesn't respond well.
Kirk: I AM GONNA KNOCK YOUR PUNK-ASS DOWN YOU GREEN BLOODED SON OF A BITCH.
So, Kirk is thrown in the Brig and the Commander tries to tell Spock that, really, the benefits package of the Romulan military isn't that bad.
Kirk, despairing that Spock might actually get the girl, throws himself into his prison's force field.
Uhura: Doctor McCoy, you're needed on the Romulan ship
McCoy: I'm sorry, providing aid to the enemy isn't on my list of things to do today.
Uhura: It's the Captain, Doctor. He's done something stupid.
McCoy: Of course he has.
So McCoy goes to tend to poor Jim Kirk whose pride has been wounded. Spock and the nice Commander go at a leisurely pace to Kirk's cell. Along the way the Commander invites Spock to dinner, and the guards aren't invited. They arrive at Kirk's cell, just in time for McCoy to tell them that Kirk's done gone went crazy. He also bitches at Spock for betraying the Enterprise. The Commander tells him to stfu. She might have told him to gtfo as well if Kirk hadn't taken that moment to throw himself at Spock in attempt to kill him. Instead Spock goes on instinct and shoves his hand in Kirk's face. He explains that this is a Vulcan Death Grip and whoops. McCoy is unimpressed with the murder of his Captain. The Commander thinks it's kinda hot.
McCoy takes Kirk back to the Enterprise and goes off to check on.... something. While he's away, Nurse Chapel comes in to, I assume, weep over the fallen heroes body, just like Kirk would have wanted. Instead she sees him briefly open his eyes.
Chapel: OMG. DOCTOR, CODE Z! THE ZOMBIE UPRISING HAS STARTED.
McCoy: Jim, you are so lucky they didn't try to perform an autopsy.
Chapel: The Captain isn't a zombie?
McCoy: Nope, all just a clever plan to commit espionage. Which is what we're doing.
Chapel: And you knew? That's so cool!
McCoy: Fuck no, no one ever tells me anything. I found out just before all the fake dying. I assume so that I wouldn't be the one performing the autopsy.
Kirk: I admit, that was part of it.
So an indeterminate amount of time and a surgery later, McCoy calls Scotty down to Sick Bay.
Scotty: Ummm? In case you've forgotten we're kinda surrounded and could be blown to bits at any moment. I sort of have to stay here.
McCoy: Please come to Sick Bay?
Scotty: Be right there.
Scotty comes down to sick bay and finds that Captain Kirk is alive! And has now been made to look like a Romulan.
You see, when McCoy said that he was going to take Kirk into "surgery", he meant "make up". Huzzah.
While Kirk is getting his make over, Spock is having dinner with the Commander. She tells him that the Romulan Empire can give him a ship of his own. He says that that sounds swell. She tells him that really, all they have to do is have him lead a small band of her soldiers onto the Enterprise to take it over. He says that that sounds swell, too, but surely it can wait until after all the seduction?
Yes. Yes it can.
(You know, JJ Abrams has a new show coming out next fall called Undercovers. It's about a married couple who are spies. In the teaser clip I watched, the word "sexpionage" was used. That is totally what this whole situation is)
Anyway, during all the sexpionage and mood setting background music, Spock gets to find out the Commanders name. Much like The Doctor, though, we don't get to know her name. I imagine that it's something like Felafel. Spock comments that Felafel doesn't really sound like a soldier's name. So she goes off to slip into a little more comfortable. While she goes off to change, Spock calls into the Enterprise to let Kirk know where to beam into.
Captain Kirk, being Captain Kirk, has already beamed aboard, possibility of being beamed into a bulkhead be damned. So, really, all Spock's communication did was (other than establish to the Enterprise that he was still alive and let Kirk know where the cloaking device is, whatever) let the Romulans know that someone on the ship is talking to the Enterprise without permission. So Sub-Commander Tal, quite rightly, goes to tell Felafel the new development.
Felafel, while her crew is doing their job, has come out of her room in an actually very nice looking dress. Normally I think all the clothing on this show looks ridiculous (in degrees ranging from "faintly" to "completely"), but that dress was actually good. Spock clearly agrees with me as he went and had hand sex with her.
I'm not even kidding. One minute in, y'all. Her dress will stimulate their conversation! Hee!
However, before they could get any further than hand porn, Tal comes in to break the bad news to Felafel. She realizes that the cloaking device is in danger and dashes off with her soldiers to see to it.
Sadly, though, Kirk has already gotten to the device, which totally doesn't look like a giant bong, by the way. He uninstalls the device that he has never seen before and beams away with it. Spock tells Felafel that that he is the First Officer of the USS Enterprise. The look on her face hurts and I felt so bad for her. So I was totally on board when she slapped Spock.
Though, it's possible that I just think it's hilarious when people get slapped.
Kirk tells Scotty to install the device into the Enterprise to aid in their escape. Chekov is told to try and find Spock's reading on the ship in order to beam him out of there. Spock buys everyone time by demanding the right to a statement before his execution (sexpionage, while fun, is frowned upon).
Spock: You see, it all started with my mother...
Chekov eventually locks on to Spock and starts beaming him to the Enterprise. Felafel, acting fast, throws herself into the beam. Thankfully for everyone involved, what results is not a genetic monstrosity with a single body on the transporter room floor. Spock and Felafel go to the bridge while Kirk orders the ship to Warp 8.
Was I imagining that the Enterprise going to warp 8 was really dangerous and not that good an idea? I mean, I know they're running. But exploding isn't cool. Especially when poor Scotty is distracted trying to make an alien contraption work with the Enterprise's equipment. So Kirk opens a channel with Tal, in an attempt to not do that whole "blowing up" thing.
Kirk: Hey, look! We have your Commander!
Felafel: BLOW US UP, TAL.
Kirk: SON OF A BITCH.
Me: Dude, I could have told you she was going to do that.
So Kirk panics a little bit, but it's okay because Scotty totally has this covered.
Because he's Montgomery Goddamn Scott, y'all. And he's not about to let some Romulans roll up on his shit, yo.
So the ship goes invisible and they do some quick manoeuvrings to keep from being shot when the Romulans go to shoot where the Enterprise should be if maintaining course and speed. The fact that the Romulans did that is one of the reasons I love them.
So while Kirk goes off to get his makeup removed (because he spent the whole dramatic finale looking hilarious) Spock escorts his lady friend to her room, where she gets to wait while they head to a star base to drop her off.
Spock: Admit it, you like me a bit more because of this.
Felafel: You know, we're going to find a way to find cloaked ships soon.
Spock: Whatever, our love is a love that will last.... at least the small amount of time to the end of the episode.
And Spock and Felafel go their own separate ways.
All in all, I liked this episode. It had Romulans. It had a woman who, while she was there to seduce and be seduced, was still a Commander, was perfectly willing to execute Spock and let herself be blown up for the greater glory of the Empire. The episode also made me laugh out loud several times and not on purpose. I love it when Star Trek does that.
And now I want hot chocolate, even though it's 80 degrees. Just, you know, fyi.
no subject
Ok, I won't bite you. I like your rendition even better than the original. You made me laugh and laugh even though it's NINETY ONE DEGREES here. Who can laugh when it's that hot? Oh, yeah. I can! Because you are just that funny.
I remember the hand sex. And I remember that dress. It is pretty glorious.
no subject
Thank you! I worry terribly that I'm not funny and that I'm just boring/annoying people. I shall take the biting as a good thing and not a sign that perhaps you should be committed to some sort of sanitarium.
If I thought that I could pull of that dress, I would not mind being seen in it. I love Felafel. If Star Trek had anything like continuity, I wouldn't mind her coming back.
(OMG, SHE SHOULD BE IN THE REBOOT FILM. SHE AND UHURA CAN FIGHT. UHURA WILL WIN.)
no subject