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Plato's Stepchildren
Well, Plato's Stepchildren wasn't the worst episode I've seen.
It's not the best, but it certainly wasn't the worst.
(Yes, Bread and Circuses, I'm still mad at you. Deal with it.)
This episode, like so many others, opens with a distress call from nearby planet. Kirk thinks that this is strange, though, because Spock's instruments said that there are no life forms on that planet.
Though it wouldn't be the first time Spock's been wrong about something. It happens distressingly often.
Anyway, they beam down to the planet and are greeted by a huge shadow on the wall! OMG. THIS IS A LAND OF GIANTS.
Then the person to whom the shadow belongs actually approaches and he is emphatically not a giant. His name is Alexander and he welcomes Kirk, Spock, and Bones* to the planet. We even get a brief history of his people, the Platonians. You see, before they came to this planet, they spent some time in Ancient Greece, which is why everything looks so very Grecian. While they were there, they kinda sorta fell in love with Plato a little bit. They like to think of themselves as Plato's children.
Alexander thinks it's more like Plato's stepchildren, but whatever. No one asked him.
I'm kinda wishing that they would stop name checking the episodes. They never did it before and it's weirding me out now.
So Alexander leads Our Heroes to the main room where A Pretty Lady, who's name I don't remember and I'm to lazy to look it up, is waiting. She asks which of Our Heroes is the doctor, proving once again that all the ladies want Doctor McCoy. She explains that her husband, Parmen, is dying from an infection in his leg and can Bones please take a look?
Bones: Holy shit, that's a bad infection. It's actually kinda impressive.
Me: Do the rest of us get to see this injury?
Bones: Oh, no. There's no need to upset the audience with this truly terrible sight.
Me: You guys didn't have the makeup necessary for the infection, huh?
Bones: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Me: Right.
The Pretty Lady explains some more of the Platonians back story. They have awesome psychic powers and extreme longevity!
Pretty Lady: How old do you think I am?
Kirk: Years of experience has taught me that there is no right answer to that question.
Pretty Lady: Oh, go on! I won't get mad.
Spock: 35.
Pretty Lady: Fuck you, I don't look a day over thirty!
Apparently she's something like 2000 years old thanks to the magic that was the Platonians eugenics program. Our Heroes get visibly uncomfortable when eugenics gets mentioned. I assume that they still remember the whole Khan debacle. That, or they just think eugenics is a bad idea in general. Which is fair. Eugenics never end well.
Well, despite their totally awesome breeding program, it turns out that their bodies can't handle infection. They've gone so long without any sort of medical problems, that a simple cut could kill them. 'Cause their bodies just aren't used to it. Or something. The point is: they have no doctors, because they're stupid.
Doctor McCoy thinks he can take care of the infection, but it'll take a bit work, because of their messed up physiology. But he's Leonard Goddamn McCoy and he can heal anything. So he'll get right on that.
First, though, Parmen is going to have an episode and start flinging things around with his mind. He also tries to kill Alexander (and Kirk, but whatever) with his mind. River could do it ten times better without even trying.
Anyway, McCoy does eventually heal the shit out of Parmen and everyone is pleased. Though I'm still not exactly clear on how he saved Parmen. Whatever. YAY BONES.
Spock: Perhaps, Doctor, one day you really will cure a rainy day.
Me: FUCK YEAH, HE WILL. I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC, SPOCK.
So Our Heroes get ready to beam back up to the Enterprise but stopping them is the unfortunate fact that they can't get beamed back. Enterprise's transporters aren't working (shock!) and they're locked hard into orbit. The Platonians don't want their guests to leave.
Kirk goes to confront Parmen about it. Parmen will have none of Captain Kirk's lip. And to prove his dominion over his planet and over Kirk, he makes Kirk slap himself in the face.
Repeatedly.
It was so awesome.
Parmen: Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.
Me: Didn't you hear the man, Captain? You should stop hitting yourself.
And then Captain Kirk goes back to his friends clutching the tattered shreds of his dignity around him.
Okay, this kinda sucks, they say to themselves. There is no way Parmen is going to let them off of the planet. He knows that they'll just run off to Starfleet Command and tell on him. He was being mean.
So then Parmen summons Our Heroes back to the audience chamber, and by "summons" I mean "forces through mind control". And then he apologizes to Our Heroes for being a jerk, his head wasn't on right after his near death experience. As a thank you for helping him, he gives Our Heroes gifts that do nothing for the plot. And then he requests that Doctor McCoy stay on the planet with them, as they need a physician.
Because God forbid they just train one of their own.
So, yeah, Our Heroes take that just about as well as one could expect. Bones is all "I'm flattered, but..."**, Spock sort of raises his eyebrow and judges everybody silently, and Kirk is all "What? No. MINE."
Possessive bastard.
So none of Our Heroes wants McCoy to stay behind, but Parmen won't take no for an answer. So he decides that the best way to get them to agree is to use his mind tricks on them.
Parmen: DANCE MY PUPPETS! DANCE!
And dance Spock does.
For a really long time.
This scene takes far too long and Spock can only flamenco dance around Kirk's immobile head for so long before I start going "Look, either smash his brains in or let us get to the next scene. I'm bored".
Parmen: YOU WILL JOIN US.
Kirk: HE WON'T.
McCoy: THIS IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
Spock: I HATE EVERYTHING.
Man, I hated that scene. SO BORING. It could have been so good... :(
So they go back to their room and this time it's Spock mourning his shattered dignity. They made him laugh. The bastards.
So then comes a bunch of discussion. Maybe Bones should just agree to stay with them! No, they'll just kill Spock, Kirk, and the Enterprise anyway. Alexander admits that he probably should have told them that bit earlier. Despite his whole not-helping thing, they agree to help Alexander if they can because, as Kirk puts it, "Where I come from, size, shape, or color makes a difference".
Which is a nice dream if you can live up to it.
So then they do some thinking and they figure out that what allows the Platonians to do mind control is some stuff in their blood that they got from the local fauna. Alexander, unfortunately for him, had a resistance to the substance. But, hey, if they can get the stuff into their blood at a high enough concentration, they can kick ass and take names! However will they do that, though? It's not like they planned for this eventuality.
Don't worry, you guys. Bones is there. And he has his hip-holster of bad ass. He doesn't need a laboratory or any of that shit. He's got his god damn bag of holding.
Fuck yeah.
So he injects himself, Kirk, and Spock with the concoction and it should start working! You know. Sometime. They offered some to Alexander, too, but he was morally obligated to refuse it. And bitch about it.
So, yeah! They have this plan! All they have to do is wait! Awesome!
So, naturally, this is when the women are beamed down to ruin everything. Chapel and Uhura have been forced down and everyone is to be the entertainment tonight. Except for Bones. Bones gets a seat of honor~.
I would like to take a moment to point out that the men's skirts are shorter than the women's. Fuck yeah.
TAKE THAT, MEN. SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.
COME ON, GUYS. SHOW A LITTLE LEG!
IF YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT, BABY! FLAUNT IT!
SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR A GIRL!
...
I'm done.
So, yeah, then comes some creepy live action pornography. It involves Spock singing, because why not kick the Vulcan while he's down? And then the women folk are scared. Chapel always wanted Spock, but not like this! Uhura is frightened! But she's been frightened before and she knows that so long as she follows Kirk's lead, it'll all be okay and her trembling will pass. And then they are forced to kiss.
OMG AN INTERRACIAL KISS OMG. Spock is a Vulcan, you guys! And Chapel is human! That's not just interracial, that's interspecies.
Oh, and Kirk kissed Uhura. Whatever, we all know that they were all thinking of Spock***.
So then the whips and brands are brought out and this all got a whole lot kinkier then it just was a few moments before. And the Pretty Lady is clearly really into it and I'm just sitting here going "Ummm, would you like me to leave?". Bones is clearly right there with me on this. I mean, he works with these people. He never needed to see that much of Spock's legs.
Then Alexander tries to go and stab Parmen, but is caught just before he can. Because Parmen isn't blind and Alexander wasn't exactly being subtle. So Parmen tries to get Alexander to stab himself.
And then the Super Special Injections kick in and Our Heroes have mind powers! So they stop all the stabbings. And they lay a verbal smack down on Parmen. And everything is all nicely wrapped up and Alexander gets to come up to the Enterprise and go somewhere where he won't be horribly abused because of his size and lack of mental powers.
And everyone smiles.
So, yeah, I think that this episode had some pacing issues. The dancing scene, while hilarious, dragged on too long.
Also, as much as I love Doctor McCoy (and I love him a great deal), what the hell is he keeping in that bag of his? It looks like only a couple of hyposprays, and yet it seems to carry God and the Universe. I'm surprised that he didn't have the cure for Xenopolycythemia in there.
I'm still just proud that I can spell xenopolycythemia.
Anyway! I'm still annoyed that the gifts from the Platonians served no purpose for anything. That could easily have been cut out. Possibly so that they could have yet more dancing. Because that never gets old.
I actually liked Uhura's bit about not being afraid because she believes in Kirk. I like that trust that isn't about romance or gender or whatever. He's her Captain, he's kept them safe before, he'll do it again. So fuck the aliens, they're awesome.
I'm not exactly sure how well the Platonians thought out their plan. I mean, if Bones stays with them, by the end of the episode he knew damn well that his friends would be dead and the Platonians had done an awful lot to work up his ire. After a few months of living on the planet, he'd have their awesome mind powers himself. And then he'll be able to kill them. And make it look like an accident because he's a doctor, dammit.
Seriously, the Platonians were being kinda stupid about the whole thing.
Also, this episode didn't have Chekov in it, even in the background. I feel that this was only for the good.
*You would think that they would bring Security Guards to the planet that lies to their sensors and could have untold dangers on it. You would think wrong.
**I think he should have brought up Natira. Surely they wouldn't keep him away from his loving bride?
***fyi, I still ship Spock/Uhura. I think I might just ship Spock/Everyone. When I'm not busy shipping Bones/Awesome.
It's not the best, but it certainly wasn't the worst.
(Yes, Bread and Circuses, I'm still mad at you. Deal with it.)
This episode, like so many others, opens with a distress call from nearby planet. Kirk thinks that this is strange, though, because Spock's instruments said that there are no life forms on that planet.
Though it wouldn't be the first time Spock's been wrong about something. It happens distressingly often.
Anyway, they beam down to the planet and are greeted by a huge shadow on the wall! OMG. THIS IS A LAND OF GIANTS.
Then the person to whom the shadow belongs actually approaches and he is emphatically not a giant. His name is Alexander and he welcomes Kirk, Spock, and Bones* to the planet. We even get a brief history of his people, the Platonians. You see, before they came to this planet, they spent some time in Ancient Greece, which is why everything looks so very Grecian. While they were there, they kinda sorta fell in love with Plato a little bit. They like to think of themselves as Plato's children.
Alexander thinks it's more like Plato's stepchildren, but whatever. No one asked him.
I'm kinda wishing that they would stop name checking the episodes. They never did it before and it's weirding me out now.
So Alexander leads Our Heroes to the main room where A Pretty Lady, who's name I don't remember and I'm to lazy to look it up, is waiting. She asks which of Our Heroes is the doctor, proving once again that all the ladies want Doctor McCoy. She explains that her husband, Parmen, is dying from an infection in his leg and can Bones please take a look?
Bones: Holy shit, that's a bad infection. It's actually kinda impressive.
Me: Do the rest of us get to see this injury?
Bones: Oh, no. There's no need to upset the audience with this truly terrible sight.
Me: You guys didn't have the makeup necessary for the infection, huh?
Bones: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Me: Right.
The Pretty Lady explains some more of the Platonians back story. They have awesome psychic powers and extreme longevity!
Pretty Lady: How old do you think I am?
Kirk: Years of experience has taught me that there is no right answer to that question.
Pretty Lady: Oh, go on! I won't get mad.
Spock: 35.
Pretty Lady: Fuck you, I don't look a day over thirty!
Apparently she's something like 2000 years old thanks to the magic that was the Platonians eugenics program. Our Heroes get visibly uncomfortable when eugenics gets mentioned. I assume that they still remember the whole Khan debacle. That, or they just think eugenics is a bad idea in general. Which is fair. Eugenics never end well.
Well, despite their totally awesome breeding program, it turns out that their bodies can't handle infection. They've gone so long without any sort of medical problems, that a simple cut could kill them. 'Cause their bodies just aren't used to it. Or something. The point is: they have no doctors, because they're stupid.
Doctor McCoy thinks he can take care of the infection, but it'll take a bit work, because of their messed up physiology. But he's Leonard Goddamn McCoy and he can heal anything. So he'll get right on that.
First, though, Parmen is going to have an episode and start flinging things around with his mind. He also tries to kill Alexander (and Kirk, but whatever) with his mind. River could do it ten times better without even trying.
Anyway, McCoy does eventually heal the shit out of Parmen and everyone is pleased. Though I'm still not exactly clear on how he saved Parmen. Whatever. YAY BONES.
Spock: Perhaps, Doctor, one day you really will cure a rainy day.
Me: FUCK YEAH, HE WILL. I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC, SPOCK.
So Our Heroes get ready to beam back up to the Enterprise but stopping them is the unfortunate fact that they can't get beamed back. Enterprise's transporters aren't working (shock!) and they're locked hard into orbit. The Platonians don't want their guests to leave.
Kirk goes to confront Parmen about it. Parmen will have none of Captain Kirk's lip. And to prove his dominion over his planet and over Kirk, he makes Kirk slap himself in the face.
Repeatedly.
It was so awesome.
Parmen: Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.
Me: Didn't you hear the man, Captain? You should stop hitting yourself.
And then Captain Kirk goes back to his friends clutching the tattered shreds of his dignity around him.
Okay, this kinda sucks, they say to themselves. There is no way Parmen is going to let them off of the planet. He knows that they'll just run off to Starfleet Command and tell on him. He was being mean.
So then Parmen summons Our Heroes back to the audience chamber, and by "summons" I mean "forces through mind control". And then he apologizes to Our Heroes for being a jerk, his head wasn't on right after his near death experience. As a thank you for helping him, he gives Our Heroes gifts that do nothing for the plot. And then he requests that Doctor McCoy stay on the planet with them, as they need a physician.
Because God forbid they just train one of their own.
So, yeah, Our Heroes take that just about as well as one could expect. Bones is all "I'm flattered, but..."**, Spock sort of raises his eyebrow and judges everybody silently, and Kirk is all "What? No. MINE."
Possessive bastard.
So none of Our Heroes wants McCoy to stay behind, but Parmen won't take no for an answer. So he decides that the best way to get them to agree is to use his mind tricks on them.
Parmen: DANCE MY PUPPETS! DANCE!
And dance Spock does.
For a really long time.
This scene takes far too long and Spock can only flamenco dance around Kirk's immobile head for so long before I start going "Look, either smash his brains in or let us get to the next scene. I'm bored".
Parmen: YOU WILL JOIN US.
Kirk: HE WON'T.
McCoy: THIS IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
Spock: I HATE EVERYTHING.
Man, I hated that scene. SO BORING. It could have been so good... :(
So they go back to their room and this time it's Spock mourning his shattered dignity. They made him laugh. The bastards.
So then comes a bunch of discussion. Maybe Bones should just agree to stay with them! No, they'll just kill Spock, Kirk, and the Enterprise anyway. Alexander admits that he probably should have told them that bit earlier. Despite his whole not-helping thing, they agree to help Alexander if they can because, as Kirk puts it, "Where I come from, size, shape, or color makes a difference".
Which is a nice dream if you can live up to it.
So then they do some thinking and they figure out that what allows the Platonians to do mind control is some stuff in their blood that they got from the local fauna. Alexander, unfortunately for him, had a resistance to the substance. But, hey, if they can get the stuff into their blood at a high enough concentration, they can kick ass and take names! However will they do that, though? It's not like they planned for this eventuality.
Don't worry, you guys. Bones is there. And he has his hip-holster of bad ass. He doesn't need a laboratory or any of that shit. He's got his god damn bag of holding.
Fuck yeah.
So he injects himself, Kirk, and Spock with the concoction and it should start working! You know. Sometime. They offered some to Alexander, too, but he was morally obligated to refuse it. And bitch about it.
So, yeah! They have this plan! All they have to do is wait! Awesome!
So, naturally, this is when the women are beamed down to ruin everything. Chapel and Uhura have been forced down and everyone is to be the entertainment tonight. Except for Bones. Bones gets a seat of honor~.
I would like to take a moment to point out that the men's skirts are shorter than the women's. Fuck yeah.
TAKE THAT, MEN. SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.
COME ON, GUYS. SHOW A LITTLE LEG!
IF YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT, BABY! FLAUNT IT!
SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR A GIRL!
...
I'm done.
So, yeah, then comes some creepy live action pornography. It involves Spock singing, because why not kick the Vulcan while he's down? And then the women folk are scared. Chapel always wanted Spock, but not like this! Uhura is frightened! But she's been frightened before and she knows that so long as she follows Kirk's lead, it'll all be okay and her trembling will pass. And then they are forced to kiss.
OMG AN INTERRACIAL KISS OMG. Spock is a Vulcan, you guys! And Chapel is human! That's not just interracial, that's interspecies.
Oh, and Kirk kissed Uhura. Whatever, we all know that they were all thinking of Spock***.
So then the whips and brands are brought out and this all got a whole lot kinkier then it just was a few moments before. And the Pretty Lady is clearly really into it and I'm just sitting here going "Ummm, would you like me to leave?". Bones is clearly right there with me on this. I mean, he works with these people. He never needed to see that much of Spock's legs.
Then Alexander tries to go and stab Parmen, but is caught just before he can. Because Parmen isn't blind and Alexander wasn't exactly being subtle. So Parmen tries to get Alexander to stab himself.
And then the Super Special Injections kick in and Our Heroes have mind powers! So they stop all the stabbings. And they lay a verbal smack down on Parmen. And everything is all nicely wrapped up and Alexander gets to come up to the Enterprise and go somewhere where he won't be horribly abused because of his size and lack of mental powers.
And everyone smiles.
So, yeah, I think that this episode had some pacing issues. The dancing scene, while hilarious, dragged on too long.
Also, as much as I love Doctor McCoy (and I love him a great deal), what the hell is he keeping in that bag of his? It looks like only a couple of hyposprays, and yet it seems to carry God and the Universe. I'm surprised that he didn't have the cure for Xenopolycythemia in there.
I'm still just proud that I can spell xenopolycythemia.
Anyway! I'm still annoyed that the gifts from the Platonians served no purpose for anything. That could easily have been cut out. Possibly so that they could have yet more dancing. Because that never gets old.
I actually liked Uhura's bit about not being afraid because she believes in Kirk. I like that trust that isn't about romance or gender or whatever. He's her Captain, he's kept them safe before, he'll do it again. So fuck the aliens, they're awesome.
I'm not exactly sure how well the Platonians thought out their plan. I mean, if Bones stays with them, by the end of the episode he knew damn well that his friends would be dead and the Platonians had done an awful lot to work up his ire. After a few months of living on the planet, he'd have their awesome mind powers himself. And then he'll be able to kill them. And make it look like an accident because he's a doctor, dammit.
Seriously, the Platonians were being kinda stupid about the whole thing.
Also, this episode didn't have Chekov in it, even in the background. I feel that this was only for the good.
*You would think that they would bring Security Guards to the planet that lies to their sensors and could have untold dangers on it. You would think wrong.
**I think he should have brought up Natira. Surely they wouldn't keep him away from his loving bride?
***fyi, I still ship Spock/Uhura. I think I might just ship Spock/Everyone. When I'm not busy shipping Bones/Awesome.
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Which is why I like Shatner despite his douchey qualities.